I co-wrote this article with Jonah Hall, a fraternity brother of mine. It's his story, I just worked with him to tell it and be his liaison to give it a larger platform.
I spent 58 dollars that I realistically don't have to throw away on flowers for my little sisters yesterday. It was certainly a novelty that I, a broke college student, probably cannot afford, but it was still doable. It was a trivial gesture, and one that they probably won't remember in a few years anyway. I only see them once or twice a year, and as much as I love them, I don't think this itinerary is subject to change. I certainly want them to have a good Valentine's Day, and I think my father and stepmother will probably do something special for them. They're only 4 years old—much too young to be receiving flowers from a man other than our father or me. Though it seems like an exercise in futility from all of these angles, I do have reasons for sending them that are important to me.
Obviously, the first reason is that I love my sisters. It lights me up whenever I see them for the first time on a visit and they run up to wrap their little arms around me. It's truly one of the best moments I have in a given year; it means that much to me. So yes, I do want them to have a wonderful Valentine's Day filled with flowers, candy, tiny pink hearts and reminders that our family loves them. My sending them a pink and purple bouquet, Evelyn and Isabella's favorite colors respectively, was partly a gesture to show that I love them, but there was another, less trivial reason to send them flowers.
My sisters are beautiful little girls, and that's something that's going to, for better or worse, attract suitors in the future. I might be the first man to send them flowers on Valentines Day, but I know I won't be the last. That fact both troubles and excites me. I know that they're going to be talking to boys, dealing with drama and developing crushes on the high school quarterback or a campus fraternity man soon enough. That this guy, whom I have never met and probably isn't even riding his first bicycle or playing Pop Warner football yet, will respect them, be genuine, and act intentionally towards them is one of my biggest prayers before I go to bed at night. I hope that he respects them for who they are and what they think, and I pray that he's around for the right reasons. It haunts me at night, knowing that I won't get to have much input on the guys coming in and out of their lives, nor will I have any control over what kind of men they fall for in their futures.
I can do this one thing: I can do my best to try to teach them how they ought to be treated. I can do more than send them flowers. I can sincerely listen to their ideas, thoughts and stories to show them that they matter; it's my hope that they always understand how much they are loved, and that their self-worth is not subject to change based on how popular they are, how much money they have or how the handsome boy in the boy in their third period English class treats them. I have no illusions that they won't fall for the wrong guy at some point; it's almost inevitable that they will have a crush on or date guys that either I or our dad hold in utter disdain because of how they treat two of the most important women in our lives. I hope that they will understand that our reason for disliking these young men is because we understand how they should be treated and learn to hold men to that standard.
We have such extraordinary hopes and dreams for Isabella and Evelyn, hopes and dreams that, God willing, they will someday live out. That's why I wanted them to receive flowers on Valentines Day — so that they understand how a man who cares about you will treat you. I want them to experience how they should be treated so they can begin to distinguish right from wrong when the time comes for them to start dating. I want them to know what it's like for men to see them as people with strong minds, goals and dreams, rather than objects of lust.
I can't claim that I've been a perfect man in any regard. I've made a many mistakes, so many of which I am truly sorry for. I want guys like me to read this and truly consider how they act toward the women in their lives.
Do you honestly care about their ideas and opinions, or do you think that they're simply a pretty piece of property in your life to be enjoyed or possessed because of how they look? Do you act on those ideas and concerns? Do you make good on the promises you make to them? Are you straightforward about what you want with a woman, or do you speak under false pretenses? When things get difficult and you have to make choices regarding these women, whether they're choices regarding intimacy, future plans or what you're doing when they're not around, are you honest and intentional in your actions? The way you behave towards the women in your life, whether that is by respecting them children of God or treating them as a playthings and conquests to later be discarded, says a lot about who you are as a person.
In a college party culture that is so often focused on finding a girl to bring home at the end of a night, I want college men to put themselves under the microscope. I’m asking them to consider this question the next time they are trying to pick up girls at the bar, or even beginning a new relationship: How would you feel if a guy had bad intentions for the most important woman in your life?
