There were times I would tell myself it would be easier for people to understand if he hit me. Then everyone would be able to see the abuse. I felt like a wimp because he only hit me once, and that was because I hit him with a pillow. The years of abuse were verbal and sexual.
The abuse didn't happen all at one time. It started out slowly, so slowly that you don't notice it sometimes, but something seems off. That is how abusers work. They reel you in and then they slowly start working on their manipulation.
If you have ever heard statements like, "I'm up here, and you are down here." Or "A Mexican woman could do it." Or, "I'll stop looking at porn when you lose weight." You are probably in an abusive relationship. The last statement was said to me when I was less than 4 months postpartum.
If you say anything about their behavior, they will turn it back on you. How dare you question them like that? They would never do anything of the sort, you must be the crazy for one thinking it. You must be the one who is cheating if you are suspicious of them.
I watched Dirty John recently, listened to the Podcast, and one thing I thought was that it could be me someday. I could sit in the seat like his first wife and tell of the years that I survived. My ex was not a master manipulator like Dirty John, but he isolated me from family and friends. He said things that made me question my sanity. He kept pulling me back in when I knew something wasn't right.
Every story is different. There is not one blanket type of abuse or behavior that you can tell a person to watch out for. If you are questioning your sanity, you are probably not the crazy one! Gaslighting is now the word they use for it. It is the way that a person uses their words to abuse you.
I didn't know about gaslighting when I was in an abusive relationship. I thought I was being too sensitive; besides, they were only words. Words aren't supposed to hurt. The problem with gaslighting is that it isn't just words here and there. It is the person that you thought loved you more than anyone else who is constantly beating you down with those words.
Here is the one thing you should get out of this. Domestic Violence escalates. Words become weapons. Every time you get back up after the words are thrown at you they do it again. It repeats until you can't fight back. When you start fighting back, when you start to stand up for yourself, that is when words turn to blows. That is the moment they realize they can't control you with words anymore and they turn to their fists.
Domestic violence has no bias of age, race, or gender. Abusers want one thing, total control. If they can't get it one way, they will find another. You cannot fix them. They need help and so do you. There are options.
