A Letter to my 13-year-old self Who Hates who She is
University of Dayton
Dear 13-year-old self,
Girl, you won't believe the life we are living right now. It's so amazing. I'm talking about being around dogs every single day and being loved by the most extraordinary friends who are family. Having Ice cream and French toast for dinner and getting to laugh every day until it hurts. Waking up each day early because we can't wait to start the day. We are finally happy.
I know right now you are laughing at me. "Happiness is a joke it will never come," you say.
You're sitting there right now trying to figure out how you're going to get through this hard time. Looking for a way to escape the unbearable pain. You think no one cares and everyone would be better off if you were gone. You have that knife in your hand and those pills telling yourself that you are weak.
You're On the bathroom floor looking at the mirror here and there and seeing your own reflection. Red bright, swollen face and the burning sensation coming from the scratches of you trying to rip those voices out of your head. Those loud and overbearing voices telling you-you aren't good enough and the pain you're feeling will never go away.
You're crying so much that you can barely see anything. You're trying to be quiet as possible because the last thing you want is for someone to hear you have a breakdown once again.
You were taught that you were crazy and an attention seeker because you didn't know how to cope with your depression.
You have the suicide letter already written and its full of anger and rage to the people who hurt you too many times.
Today was the last straw for you.
Those friends who called you ugly, fat and annoying didn't know that you already had a deep hole of rejection in your heart. That teacher called you annoying, and he didn't know that the reason why you talked so much at school was that you didn't have anyone at home to talk to.
He also didn't know that whenever you were around family you never spoke a word. You aren't annoying you just want someone to talk to you.
That boy who told the whole entire class to laugh at your big nose didn't know the hours and excruciating pain you put in that morning to make it look just a tiny bit smaller.
That girl on the bus who routinely called you fat didn't know that you would spend hours in the bathroom trying to throw up all the food you ate from that day. One day you will find out that the same girl would be hospitalized for an eating disorder. Please forgive her.
That teacher who made a comment about your old gym shoes didn't know how two years ago you got those shoes and were so excited because they were your first new "trendy" pair. You didn't get any new shoes for three years after that.
To the teacher who came to school an hour earlier to help you with your hair didn't know that you didn't have your mom around to help you. Be thankful for her because that moment of kindness will come back to you in the future.
So, as you're sitting there looking at yourself in the mirror wishing it would all end, I want to tell you a few things.
That beautiful so-called loud and annoying laugh will make you the friends and people you call family. That mouth where the beautiful noise of laughter you create will kiss the people who hug you after a tough day at school.
Your beautiful so-called fat belly will carry the memories and the warm feeling of fullness when you and your best friend make brownies from the box and eat them on the floor of your college apartment kitchen.
That belly grounds the plant of the beautiful sound of your laughter that comes out anytime a dog kiss you.
That nose will hold the smell of your favorite chips and salsa during the game night once a week. One of your safe places.
That messy hair will be the hair that you and your friends spend hours putting glitter on to go to a concert.
So, I want you to put that knife down. I want you to cry and I want you to know that it is okay to be upset. You can be sad but be sad the right way.
Keep praying because those prayers will be answered. Even blessings that you didn't pray are coming. That pain is temporary.
I want you to know that it's cliche to say but please listen to everyone that says things will be okay.
I want you to know that you're beautiful. Your nose isn't too big, and your skin is the perfect complexion. You are not too short or too fat. You are not too loud or too quiet and most of all you're not crazy.
It's okay to cry and it's okay to ask for help. Please don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Boy, aren't you strong?
your 19-year-old future self.
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