8 Questions You Ask Yourself at Sporting Events

So you’ve got tickets to the big game! Forget how much you spent and grab your best buddies or your lovely family and head off to the arena. And don’t forget to wear the jersey of your favorite player!

1. Why is traffic so bad?

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You left the house 9 hours before the game started, and yet will still barely make it to your seats before the starting lineup is announced. Your buddies start to complain and you debate just leaving your car on the interstate. Also, when you do find parking, it costs a fortune and also is located approximately 30 away from the actual event.

2. A hot dog costs how much?

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The food usually is pretty low quality, always the typical nachos and pretzels. However, even for the crummy quality, you still have to dip into your savings account to pay for the food. A water bottle costs more than your college tuition. Water, the renewable resource. Regardless, you gotta have your beer to watch the game, right? Hopefully, the place takes checks!

3. Where are our seats?

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After hiking from the deserted lot you parked your car in, you must again embark on a journey. This time, it’s aaaaaall the way up to the rafters of the stadium. Try not to look directly down, or you may fall. Once settled in your seats, you do your best to make out the players on the court and finally settle for watching the jumbotron.

4. Is the music really necessary?

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In addition to the always aggravating “Defense!” chants throughout the game, the amount of loud and annoying music playing is a sensory overload. Each sports team must be contractually obligated to choose the most obnoxious songs for their contests and the in-between play time. The volume makes it impossible to ignore and the overwhelming catchiness of the song can be almost nauseating. I feel the worst for the players, however. Think about how many times they have all had to listen to “Space Jam.”

5. They still sell noisemakers?

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As a young person with no children of my own, I have no right to speak on issues of parenting. However, I can say with certainty that if you buy your kid those inflatable tubes that are hit together to make noise, you are a terrible person. Whoever invented these things is clearly a sadistic mastermind. It’s one thing for an adult to purchase and use these, but giving them to a child with no impulse control and a great deal of pent up aggression is a recipe for disaster. End those dang things.

6. Who decided on the halftime show?

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The entertainment after periods and quarters is always so fascinating to me. This has got to be what other countries think of America. Americans cannot enjoy 20 minutes of down time between the action, and therefore must be entertained for every. Single. Minute. The half-court shot/ shoot the puck/ etc. is always an interesting event.

I find myself evaluating every technique used by those who participate. Where do they find these people? Also, how would it feel to completely screw up in front of a whole stadium of people? In addition, we all know the quizzes are rigged, right? And put an end to the kiss cam, seriously.

7. How many points until I score a free drink?

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Another incentive for going to these games is that free reward if your team doesn’t suck. This whole idea, in essence, is ridiculous as well. If so-and-so scores 20+ points, you can take your ticket to McDonald’s/ Dunkin/ wherever and receive some free reward. We love free stuff, so much so that we lose sight of the point of the whole game and focus on how we as an individual can win.

8. Why didn’t I just stay home?

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The noise, the crappy expensive food, the general cost of the whole event could easily be solved with one simple notion: staying home. Also, think about how nice the picture is on your super HD television. You can buy your own delicious snacks and recline in your chair. Sure, it’s cool to be there for the action, but in the comfort of your own home, you’re safe from getting nailed in the head with a flying t-shirt or being forced to listen to “Jump Around” on repeat.