Finally! The finish line of the semester is in sight! Final projects are due, clubs are winding down, and the thermometer is plummeting almost as fast as your mental illnesses are flaring up.
Tis the season for even the mentally stable to start fraying at the edges. It seems as though all the thoughts that plague you on a daily basis have only just now occurred to your classmates. You’re not sure if you pity or envy them right now. Sure, your depression and anxiety are constant malignant companions, but at least you’re used to it by now.
Sadly, you’re not immune to the stressors of the season, and your slippery grip on reality may finally be falling away. Here’s some tips to help you mask all of that suffering under a thin, yet firm layer of lies.
(Before I go any further, if you actually need help please get it. Jokes are fun, but take care of yourself. This article is more for the kids who’ve been around the therapy/medication block for a while now, and are at the ‘dark humor’ form of acceptance)
1. Fashion Fun Fact
Do you look less ‘on fleek’ and more ‘2000’s runway’ lately? When you end up wearing the same pair of shorts and progressively older and sadder t-shirts for a week, you may begin to feel some shame. It’s wintertime, which makes skipping a few showers more acceptable, but you’re really starting to push the limit here. Maybe your hair is pretty greasy, skin breaking out. Your appearance may be the last thing on your mind, but it’s the most visible indication of sanity. How to trick people into thinking you’re more capable than you are? Carry around a laundry basket! People will see you and think, “Oh, she’s just doing laundry” and never question your terrible fashion choices/ emotional stability. Also, maybe consider doing some laundry. Really.
2. Subterfuge of Sniffles
Laundry hack not working for you? Dust your nose red, carry around Kleenex, and huff some pepper every once in awhile to make you sneeze. While the actual illness you harbor rages within and fills you with shame, you can gain some leeway and sympathy by having a visible affliction. Man, maybe you really should break your leg like you’ve been dreaming about...
3. Openly Express Your Desire To Die
You may think that this is the first and final step to being exposed as the broken fraud you are. However, let me paint you a picture.
You walk into Advanced Goat History. The whole class is abuzz, and it turns out there’s a quiz on goat yodeling (godeling) that you completely forgot to study for! You can barely muster a terrified yelp, much less a full goat scream of horror. Your thoughts naturally turn to self-destruction, perhaps by ignoring your severe lactose and nut allergies and chugging several gallons of hybrid goat-almond milk, when you hear your study buddy huff.
“Ugh, I want to die!” she whines.
The person next to her nods. “Like, can a bus just hit me? Please.”
See, as long as you over-exaggerate your desire to hurt yourself in a variety of disturbing manners, it qualifies as humor. People around you will assume you’re being melodramatic because of the impending final exams, and never guess that you are allowing a tiny sampling of the pain within you to slip its way out.
4. Sobbing Scapegoats
Now, sometimes all of these hacks just don’t work and your body rebels against you, causing emotions to manifest as tears bursting out of your face like a busted septic tank. Be ready for these emergencies, and always have something to blame it on! For example,
- The wind. It is winter, after all
- Your recent breakup. If anyone inquires further just cry harder and say ‘how could they?’
- Always be ready to chop onions. This option works well during class, as you typically have a desk or table to place your cutting board on.
- Some puppy video on the internet. You may not have experienced joy in years, but apparently some people can derive it within a few moments of watching a cat wiggle in a box. Have such a video bookmarked, as sympathetic observers will often ask to see such a marvelous clip.
- The election. I mean, really, who isn’t still pretty upset about that?
- Hamilton.
5. Fake It Till Ya Make It
In the end nothing will be more effective than simply mimicking the behaviors of presumably healthy people. Carefully bury your abnormalities, and smash them down whenever they threaten to arise. Drink coffee to feel warmth, chew ice to cool down. Patch up the wounds with band-aids. Act like nothing is wrong and you might just start to believe it too. Build an identity less shameful than the one you mask, and pour all of your energy into maintaining it. Sure, your happiness depends entirely on people validating the quality and integrity of the persona you have crafted, but hey, at least you’ve manufactured some happiness to experience!
