Depression Doesn't Just Go Away

You Aren't The Only One Whose Depression Follows You, I Understand

Depression is an intrusive illness, and doesn't leave any room for negotiation.

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Let me put this on record now: I have gotten help in the past and continue to get help for my depression now. Unfortunately, it doesn't just go away. I battle with it every day, and many other people do, too. Hopefully, this will help you understand a little bit more what it is like, and help YOU to better help those you know who struggle with depression.

1. Sleeping becomes the highlight of every day

I, like most people when they become teenagers, began to appreciate sleep a lot more when I started high school. The days were longer, and the work was more tedious and sleeping after school became a necessity. However, unlike most people my age, I don't desire to go out at night and have a good time.

In fact, I don't really like going out at all. Being home, being asleep, is comforting to me.

Forget about waking up on time in the mornings. It has become impossible. It doesn't matter how important the events of that day are. Sometimes, I cannot physically and mentally muster up the strength to get out of bed. It's an activity that brings me comfort because I don't have to think about anything.

2. Going to work becomes harder than it should be

If you have a normal job like me, and not some kind of dream job, chances are, you don't necessarily enjoy working.

I have a somewhat easy going job, and the hours are very flexible. Despite that, I find myself equating going to work with a huge, impossible, unobtainable task. It's normal for people to dread their job, but I call in sick sometimes because I KNOW working is far beyond what I'm able to do.

I don't ditch to do anything fun, just to sleep the day away in hopes I'm stronger tomorrow. Unfortunately, not working means not getting paid.

3. My relationships deteriorate

If you don't experience depression, it can be hard to empathize with someone who does because it's confusing. I'm confused.

I face these weird feelings, I have scary thoughts, and I don't know why. And I can't make them stop. Because it's hard for others to understand, it causes my relationships with others to fall apart. Sometimes, I feel like all of the fun has been sucked out of me, and some of my friends don't like that.

Some people aren't able to sit with me in silence and just be. Some people don't like that I am moody and miserable (who would like that?) and aren't able to see around it. I'll tell you one thing though, facing something like this DOES reveal who your people are.

They don't budge, they remain constant, and they assure you that they are here for you every step of the way.

4. My motivation disappears

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Things that I once loved to do don't seem as intriguing anymore. I love to paint! And before the painting comes the drawing, with I also have no motivation to do anymore.

Even when it's nice out, I almost always choose to stay inside. I don't want to go on a walk or even step outside, things I used to not mind doing. Sometimes, I'll be out with friends, or doing something "fun," when it's almost like I crash and need to be alone.

Nothing else matters to me at that moment than escaping to be by myself. Depression is an intrusive illness and doesn't leave any room for negotiation.

5. I need to compensate for how I feel

Feeling grey and empty on the inside means one thing: compensate on the outside.

When I can, I shop. I buy clothes and shoes and spend way more money than I have in order to do so. Even though I don't hide the fact that I struggle with this, I still like to at least pretend I'm doing OK sometimes.

So, I buy clothes, I dress nice, I look good, and I hope that fewer people will ask me today, "What's wrong?"

6. I become rude

When asked to describe myself, the first word that comes out of my mouth would not be "nice."

That doesn't mean I'm NOT nice, it just isn't the first word that I would use. Unfortunately, I'm sort of a naturally irritable person. Even more, unfortunately, it becomes way, way worse when I'm having a hard day. I don't MEAN to be rude when I dismiss someone's caring questions, but the truth is, if I say just one word, I'll break down in tears. I choose to stay to myself because I might explode on someone who doesn't deserve it.

I'm not intentionally being grumpy, or rude, but it comes with it. All I can do is keep my mouth closed and hope to resume a conversation when I'm feeling better.

7. I'm emotional...ALL the time

I've never been an overly emotional person, but now, it's like I can't escape my emotions. I cry, a lot. Over stupid things. One not being able to sit up in bed.

Over not wanting to go in the shower because that means I have to start my day. It interrupts everyday life, like when I'm at work and have to excuse myself to the bathroom to get myself together. Or when someone tries to comfort me, but I can't tell them what's wrong because I don't KNOW what's wrong.

I'll go from being OK to being upset in minutes, and nothing people say can help me out of that space. It just needs to pass.

But, as I mentioned earlier, though everyday life sucks while dealing with this, it's something I have to get through, and thousands of other people do too. Though being alone is the most favorable option to me, I try to surround myself with those who I love, and those who love me. There is a quote somewhere on the internet that says, "When you cannot see the light, I will sit with you in the darkness." Thank you to those who do just that for me.

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21 Things You Say To Your Roommate If You Two Are Practically A Married Couple

Until I made this list, I didn't realize how absurdly close my roommate and I were. #sorrynotsorry
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Let's be real: you and your roommate have said these things at least one to each other.

1. "Can you turn the light off?"

2. "We probably shouldn't go out for dinner again...right?"

*Complains about not having money* *Spends $8 on Chipotle three times a week*

3. "I always pick where we go"

This is a fight you have with your roommate almost every day when you're roommate is as indecisive as mine.

4. "Do you have my keys?"

5. "Can you pick me up?"

6. "Is it hot in here?"

7. "Does this outfit look stupid?"

The answer is usually yes. No offense.

8. "Can you throw this out for me?"

9. "Can we get ice cream?"

10. "I need coffee."

This text is usually sent when you know your roomie is out running errands... errands you know are near a Starbucks.

11. "Can you tell me what happened?"

12. "Are you asleep?"

There have been times where I couldn't tell if you were asleep or dead... and I had to say this out loud to check if you were alive.

13. "Check your DM's."

*Cracks up in the middle of nowhere* *Catches a weird stare from your roomie across the room*

14. "Can you plug this in for me?"

15. "Can you pick a movie?"

Another instance where "I always pick" happens.

16. "Look at this girl's Instagram."

*Chucks phone across the room at roommate*

17. "Can you call me?"

18. "Can we meet up?"

19. "Can you help me find my phone?"

*Tries to leave the house to do something* *Loses phone* Every. Time.

20. "What should we do tonight?"

*Tries to get ready to do something fun* *Ends up staying in for another girls' night*

21. "Why isn't everyone as great as us?"

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Cover Image Credit: Juliarose Genuardi

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Starting My First Job In Over A Year Is A Lot To Take In

After the rough spring semester that I had, I'm glad that I got this job and that now I am getting the experience that comes with it.

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The summer between my first and second years of college were both fun and boring, but I would say that it was probably more boring than before. The only reason because of this was because I didn't have a job at the time. I mean, don't get me wrong. Before I graduated high school and the summer after I graduated high school I had a job, but it wasn't a job that I thoroughly enjoyed or wanted to continue doing when I got back the summer after my first year of college.

Also, I wasn't lazy. I applied for a bunch of jobs but at the time only two of the jobs got back to me for an interview.

The first job said that they already had a lot of employees that were in college and while the second job said that they would call me back for another interview with the actual boss, I didn't get a phone call about it. So that summer was mostly spent with me at home doing housework as well as picking my brother up from band practices since he didn't have his license yet at the time. So you could guess that this was not a fun summer.

After that summer and learning that I would be able to move into the apartment complex that my friend Sam and I signed up for, I knew that I needed to get money in order to pay for things like groceries, utilities, and others. With that came finding a job. During the long winter break that I had, I was filling out job applications but no one was getting back to me. At this point, I was losing hope and praying that I could find a job as soon as possible so I don't have to apply to a place I didn't want to apply beforehand.

That was when I applied to two camps that were for children with special needs, and then after it passed the date of accepting applications, I got an email from one of the camps about a job interview. The hard thing was that it was hard to find time to do an interview because I had no time to come home from college and so I had to do a phone interview. But trying to find time to do a phone interview was hard because I had no free time. When I finally had time for a phone interview, I was so nervous about it. Afterward, I got told that I had gotten the job and that when I get home from school that I can go get the paperwork.

Now I am currently finishing my second week as a camp counselor and it is honestly one of the best things that could happen. After the rough spring semester that I had, I'm glad that I got this job and that now I am getting the experience that comes with it.

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