As I write this, the Kansas City Chiefs just scored a 75 yard touchdown on the New England Patriots on a special Thursday Night edition of Sunday Night Football. It was quite beautiful actually. Suddenly the Chiefs are up 21-17 and Gillette Stadium is SILENT.
Alas, I've been here before.
It was on a cold February afternoon, I was in line at Jungle Jim's getting loads of red Jones soda and stocking up on red plates, napkins, and utensils. I was decked out head to toe in Dirty Bird gear, because it was a day I wasn't sure I'd ever see in my lifetime.
The Atlanta Falcons were in the Super Bowl, and I, the only Falcon's fan I know in Cincinnati, was in complete disbelief. At one point the Falcons held an impossible 25 point lead in said Super Bowl. But like any Falcons fan knows, true happiness is only but an illusion, for reality is actually a dark chasm of sadness and disappointment, as exemplified that fateful night.
We certainly do not need to go over what happened that night. You already know what happened, and to spare me a brief moment of sighing and looking up to the ceiling in sorrow, we aren't going to bring it back up for the rest of eternity.
But as I watch the opening game of the season, in a short 10 minute span of television, the Patriots talked about their stupid comeback three different times using three different videos and a dumb presentation from the living embodiment of Boston, Mark Wahlberg (who left at halftime during the Super Bowl... in case you forgot). And so my extreme inner hatred of the Patriots boiled to the top after locking it away for the entire Spring and Summer.
But here we are, watching the cheating, lying, sore-winning, puppy-kicking, Trump supporting, murdering, law-breaking Patriots play football again. 6 out of those 7 adjectives are factually true by the way. You may be thinking, "what is worse than the New England Patriots?" well, the answer is, not much. To exemplify the magnitude of this ethically devoid organization, here are 5 things that the New England Patriots are way, way worse than. Seriously, it's been scientifically proven.
1. Puppy Mills
What could be worse than a institution that systematically breeds cute adorable puppies in inhumane, unspeakable conditions and then sells them for insane prices to people with no moral compass? Well, you know the answer. I'll give you a hint: it rhymes with the Smew Smengland Smatriots. But at least their head coach Bill Belichick has them on his totally not racist t-shirt!
2. Chinese Sweatshops
The working conditions in China are... less than ideal. So much so that factories and companies install nets on the outside of their buildings so they can catch employees attempting suicide on the job. Imagine a factory with thousands of employees working 70 hour weeks doing the same activity over and over and over and over and over again for a whopping 2 bucks an hour.
Seems pretty terrible with a capital T. But believe it or not, this unethical practice still doesn't stoop to the low standards of the Patriots. Tom Brady is going to make 28 million bucks this season, imagine how many Chinese worker lives Brady could change with some chump change out of that fat salary. What gives, Brady?
3. Innocent Drone Strikes
I know I know, heavy stuff here. Even Obama had a tough time with this one. Lots of innocent lives lost over drone strikes either missing their target or taking out way more than they were supposed to.
Stories have been told of people in the Middle East fearing birds in the sky thinking they were military drones. While the tragedy is truly horrific, the Patriots make it look like a simple mishap. Remember Spy-Gate? The Patriots were monitoring and spying on the New York Jets before drones were even a thing. Despicable.
4. Donald Trump
It's hard to imagine things worse than our current leader of the free world, a dumpster fire in human form devoid of empathy or emotion. A man known for grabbing women, probably working with the Russians, and really pissing off James Comey and the CIA (hey whatever happened to him, is he still alive? Someone should probably check on him), can still hang his hat on not being as evil as the New England Patriots. In fact, his approval ratings would probably go up if he stopped associating himself with them.
Well, this one is a little misleading, because the Patriots actually did commit murder, well at least Aaron Hernandez did. Really, if it weren't for laws and prison, who knows, Hernandez might still be on the team! But you know what, even Hernandez wouldn't have lied about deflating footballs, something Tom Brady destroyed his cell phone over.
There you have it. 5 things that are no doubt terrible, unspeaking acts on human (and animal) rights yet somehow rank higher on the ethical spectrum than the New England Patriots. As I wrap up this article the situation has gotten much worse for the boys in blue who ultimately collapsed to the mighty Chiefs in a demoralizing 42-27 loss at Gillette Stadium. It's gonna be a great season.