5 Things The New England Patriots Are Ethically Worse Than

5 Things The New England Patriots Are Ethically Worse Than

The Patriots did what?!

As I write this, the Kansas City Chiefs just scored a 75 yard touchdown on the New England Patriots on a special Thursday Night edition of Sunday Night Football. It was quite beautiful actually. Suddenly the Chiefs are up 21-17 and Gillette Stadium is SILENT.

Alas, I've been here before.

It was on a cold February afternoon, I was in line at Jungle Jim's getting loads of red Jones soda and stocking up on red plates, napkins, and utensils. I was decked out head to toe in Dirty Bird gear, because it was a day I wasn't sure I'd ever see in my lifetime.

The Atlanta Falcons were in the Super Bowl, and I, the only Falcon's fan I know in Cincinnati, was in complete disbelief. At one point the Falcons held an impossible 25 point lead in said Super Bowl. But like any Falcons fan knows, true happiness is only but an illusion, for reality is actually a dark chasm of sadness and disappointment, as exemplified that fateful night.

We certainly do not need to go over what happened that night. You already know what happened, and to spare me a brief moment of sighing and looking up to the ceiling in sorrow, we aren't going to bring it back up for the rest of eternity.

But as I watch the opening game of the season, in a short 10 minute span of television, the Patriots talked about their stupid comeback three different times using three different videos and a dumb presentation from the living embodiment of Boston, Mark Wahlberg (who left at halftime during the Super Bowl... in case you forgot). And so my extreme inner hatred of the Patriots boiled to the top after locking it away for the entire Spring and Summer.

But here we are, watching the cheating, lying, sore-winning, puppy-kicking, Trump supporting, murdering, law-breaking Patriots play football again. 6 out of those 7 adjectives are factually true by the way. You may be thinking, "what is worse than the New England Patriots?" well, the answer is, not much. To exemplify the magnitude of this ethically devoid organization, here are 5 things that the New England Patriots are way, way worse than. Seriously, it's been scientifically proven.

1. Puppy Mills

What could be worse than a institution that systematically breeds cute adorable puppies in inhumane, unspeakable conditions and then sells them for insane prices to people with no moral compass? Well, you know the answer. I'll give you a hint: it rhymes with the Smew Smengland Smatriots. But at least their head coach Bill Belichick has them on his totally not racist t-shirt!

2. Chinese Sweatshops

The working conditions in China are... less than ideal. So much so that factories and companies install nets on the outside of their buildings so they can catch employees attempting suicide on the job. Imagine a factory with thousands of employees working 70 hour weeks doing the same activity over and over and over and over and over again for a whopping 2 bucks an hour.

Seems pretty terrible with a capital T. But believe it or not, this unethical practice still doesn't stoop to the low standards of the Patriots. Tom Brady is going to make 28 million bucks this season, imagine how many Chinese worker lives Brady could change with some chump change out of that fat salary. What gives, Brady?

3. Innocent Drone Strikes

I know I know, heavy stuff here. Even Obama had a tough time with this one. Lots of innocent lives lost over drone strikes either missing their target or taking out way more than they were supposed to.

Stories have been told of people in the Middle East fearing birds in the sky thinking they were military drones. While the tragedy is truly horrific, the Patriots make it look like a simple mishap. Remember Spy-Gate? The Patriots were monitoring and spying on the New York Jets before drones were even a thing. Despicable.

4. Donald Trump

It's hard to imagine things worse than our current leader of the free world, a dumpster fire in human form devoid of empathy or emotion. A man known for grabbing women, probably working with the Russians, and really pissing off James Comey and the CIA (hey whatever happened to him, is he still alive? Someone should probably check on him), can still hang his hat on not being as evil as the New England Patriots. In fact, his approval ratings would probably go up if he stopped associating himself with them.

5. Murder

Well, this one is a little misleading, because the Patriots actually did commit murder, well at least Aaron Hernandez did. Really, if it weren't for laws and prison, who knows, Hernandez might still be on the team! But you know what, even Hernandez wouldn't have lied about deflating footballs, something Tom Brady destroyed his cell phone over.

There you have it. 5 things that are no doubt terrible, unspeaking acts on human (and animal) rights yet somehow rank higher on the ethical spectrum than the New England Patriots. As I wrap up this article the situation has gotten much worse for the boys in blue who ultimately collapsed to the mighty Chiefs in a demoralizing 42-27 loss at Gillette Stadium. It's gonna be a great season.

Cover Image Credit: New York Times

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When You Give A Girl A Dad

You give her everything

They say that any male can be a father, but it takes a special person to be a dad. That dads are just the people that created the child, so to speak, but rather, dads raise their children to be the best they can be. Further, when you give a little girl a dad, you give her much more than a father; you give her the world in one man.

When you give a girl a dad, you give her a rock.

Life is tough, and life is constantly changing directions and route. In a world that's never not moving, a girl needs something stable. She needs something that won't let her be alone; someone that's going to be there when life is going great, and someone who is going to be there for her when life is everything but ideal. Dads don't give up on this daughters, they never will.

When you give a girl a dad, you give her a role model.

If we never had someone to look up to, we would never have someone to strive to be. When you give a little girl someone to look up to, you give her someone to be. We copy their mannerisms, we copy their habits, and we copy their work ethic. Little girls need someone to show them the world, so that they can create their own.

When you give a girl a dad, you give her the first boy she will ever love.

And I'm not really sure someone will ever be better than him either. He's the first guy to take your heart, and every person you love after him is just a comparison to his endless, unmatchable love. He shows you your worth, and he shows you what your should be treated like: a princess.

When you give a girl a dad, you give her someone to make proud.

After every softball game, soccer tournament, cheerleading competition, etc., you can find every little girl looking up to their dads for their approval. Later in life, they look to their dad with their grades, internships, and little accomplishments. Dads are the reason we try so hard to be the best we can be. Dads raised us to be the very best at whatever we chose to do, and they were there to support you through everything. They are the hardest critics, but they are always your biggest fans.

When you give a girl a dad, you give her a credit card.

It's completely true. Dads are the reason we have the things we have, thank the Lord. He's the best to shop with too, since he usually remains outside the store the entire time till he is summoned in to forge the bill. All seriousness, they always give their little girls more than they give themselves, and that's something we love so much about you.

When you give a girl a dad, you give her a shoulder to cry on.

When you fell down and cut yourself, your mom looked at you and told you to suck it up. But your dad, on the other hand, got down on the ground with you, and he let you cry. Then later on, when you made a mistake, or broke up with a boy, or just got sad, he was there to dry your tears and tell you everything was going to be okay, especially when you thought the world was crashing down. He will always be there to tell you everything is going to be okay, even when they don't know if everything is going to be okay. That's his job.

When you give a girl a dad, you give her a lifelong best friend.

My dad was my first best friend, and he will be my last. He's stood by me when times got tough, he carried me when I just couldn't do it anymore, and he yelled at me when I deserved it; but the one thing he has never done was give up on me. He will always be the first person I tell good news to, and the last person I ever want to disappoint. He's everything I could ever want in a best friend and more.

Dads are something out of a fairytale. They are your prince charming, your knight in shinny amour, and your fairy godfather. Dads are the reasons we are the people we are today; something that a million "thank you"' will never be enough for.

Cover Image Credit: tristen duhon

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Braves Bullpen Fails Them Yet Again

This has become a recurring theme that needs to end.


Coming into the 2019 season, the Atlanta Braves knew their weaknesses. They knew that their pitching staff was their weakest aspect and that in order to make another playoff run. The club acquired a great starting staff, one that has proved itself greatly in the opening month, but one that has also been let down many times by their relievers.

A prime example of this fault is the Tuesday, April 16, loss to the Arizona Diamondbacks. Max Fried, a young pitcher making his third start of the season, proving himself yet again by only allowing one run through six solid innings. He was pulled in the sixth simply due to pitch count precautions, but the Braves held a 5-1 lead, leaving Brain Snitker comfortable with the pitching change.

That was until Chad Sobotka came in to relieve Fried and could not retire a batter. Jesse Biddle then came in to hopefully put out the fire, but he could also not calm the flames.

Not to take away from the Diamondback's offense in any way, but the two relievers were not throwing pitches that were competitive and were drowning in walks. The bullpen lost the lead, and the potential of a win for Fried, in the sixth as they gave up five runs giving Arizona a 6-5 lead going into the bottom of the sixth.

Ozzie Albies ties the game up, giving Atlanta some hope back, but the pitching staff could not produce and eventually gave the game away in a 9-6 loss.

When a club acquires starting pitchers as young and as talented as those of Max Fried, it is crucial to have a line of support behind them. The Atlanta offense is so dynamic, but it is impossible to win games without a pitching staff that can finish out games for their starters.

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