Every 4 years in this country, a largely televised event takes place that gets more coverage than Kim Kardashians ass on TMZ. Every 4 moons, the Presidential election takes place where American citizens all over the country cast their votes in hopes their candidate wins. 4 years ago the candidate I had hoped to win, unfortunately did not. As I sat in a 4 hour voting line sipping a Watermelon Four Loko out of a McDonald’s straw, my hopes began to diminish as I checked the polls. Instead the “man” without a set of gonads was victorious.I was one hot, hot habanera ready to combust. To make matters worse, the same year my arch nemesis Brent Ely was also elected president of my Fraternity. Needless to say, 2012 was not my year by any means. Another 4 years of “Change” which was the slogan Barack Hussein Obama ran off of in 2008 and 2012, played a contributing factor in him deceiving the country into supporting him. For those pristine mathematical magicians, the 8 year regime of the one they call Obama is up. Many of you conservatives may be pissing your pants and looking forward to that sack less man being out office much like I was, but there is big problem. That problem is Hilary Clinton is presumed to replace him. Unless Bernie Sanders or some unknown candidate pulls a major upset in the Democratic primaries, it seems certain Hilary Clinton will represent the Liberals. The Democratic Party is pushing hard for the wife of the beloved womanizer president Bill Clinton in hopes to keep control of the presidency for at least another 4 years. For starters, Hilary Clinton shouldn’t be even running for president, she should be locked away in prison joining a lesbian liberal gang in hopes to survive the harsh conditions of San Quinton prison. However, apparently the scandals and crimes of Benghazi aren’t enough to knock the wicked witch of the west off her broom as she seems to pull away in the Democratic polls. Even if Hilary somehow didn’t win the primary, next in line is Bernie Sanders, who is pushing for socialism, if you don’t know what socialism is, look it up. However, Bernie is irrelevant in this article; the focus is on Hilary Clinton. You could argue, what does the Republican Party have to offer, and that’s a fair assessment, there’s some issues in that party as well, but I will allow some bleeding heart liberal to counter my article. Below is a list of people who should be considered a presidential candidate over Hilary Clinton. For you easily offended liberals, this article is a strictly a satire to poke fun at the presidential election, but for real Hilary Clinton is the worst.

1. DJ Khaled

The king of the streets, the one and only DJ Khaled may not be the most qualified to give Hilary a run for her money but neither are the majority of the Democratic candidates. DJ Khaled already has the edge on Hilary, since he has not been accused of political criminal mischief. Dj Khaled plans to use “We the best” as his campaign slogan in 2016. With his campaign manager being none other than Rick Ross the “Boss” there’s no telling what stir in the political race Khaled could mix up. No pun intended. DJ Khaled and his campaign will challenge Hilary Clinton and her band of yellow belly losers with the use of wise wisdom while still producing top 40 hits featuring Akon and an abundance of other famous rap artists. With DJ Khaled in the mix, Hilary will definitely take a hit in the polls. On Fox News, Khaled was recently asked about his chances in the race, he responded with “Win, win, win no matter what.”Below is the link to Khaled’s inspiring campaign video. Khaled’s free bumper stickers with the slogan of “ Anotha one #Khaled2016” can be purchased on his website. ( If the link doesn't work, open it in a new tab)

2. Gandalf the Grey

Another character that may chap Hilary’s 68-year-old ass this upcoming election is probably the only candidate that is older than her, Gandalf the Grey. Making the long trip from middle earth, Gandalf has made it clear to the world he is serious about defeating Hilary Clinton and the Democratic party. “I defeated the armies of Mordor with a band of hobbits; I can destroy Hilary with a flick of my staff.” Gandalf appears to have won the hearts of many with his soft wise words and his ability to fight off enemies’ both foreign and domestically. After all, Gandalf did defeat the great Balrog in the early stages of middle earth.

Gandalf is running off the slogan of “Put a wizard in the white house.” It has been surprisingly effective.

One contributing factor working against the great wizard is his age that will turn him 2,020 this upcoming May. When asked about his old age, he replied “Wizards never die, bitch.”Other controversy surrounding the wizard is his recent sex tape with Anastasia Steele called “50 Shades of Gandalf.” Gandalf responded to the 50 shades allegations with “What happens in Mordor stays in Mordor.” Below is the link to the explicit scandal. ( If the link does not work open it in a new tab)

3. Clifford the Big Red dog

Much like the majority of the candidates this year, Clifford the big red dog has little experience within politics but still poses less of a threat than that snake oil salesmen Hilary Clinton. Despite little to no experience, don’t count this obtuse K9 out just yet. Clifford has a proven track record of always getting the job done. Of all the candidates, Clifford possesses the largest body mass of the bunch scaling at an alarming high of 25 feet. This should raise the eyebrows of the Russian machine Vladimir Putin. With the use of instinct, the nose of a hound and a booming bark, Clifford will shake up the presidential polls in 2016. When asked what his first task would be in the big house, Clifford responded “Putting Michael Vick back behind bars.” #Clifford2016

4. Kayne West

Everyone knew this one was coming, since he announced his official run for presidency in his 20 minute rant during the MTV awards earlier this year. Although his original announcement was for 2020, Kayne will get called up for the 2016 election to “school” Hilary Clinton with some rhythm and rhyme. With absolutely zero experience, little common sense, long incoherent rambles and a strong hatred for Taylor Swift, it seems Kayne and Hilary are essentially the same candidate. However, Hilary is still worse than the self proclaimed lyrical genius. Kayne vows if Hilary wins president he will interrupt her inaugural speech and claim Beyonce should have in fact won.Kayne plans to make amends with Taylor Swift and the long list of other celebrities he has wronged if elected in office. Kayne is using the name of his upcoming baby “Saint” for inspiration to defeat Hilary. A recent poll in North Carolina shows Kayne has recently gained the edge over front runner Donald Trump.

5. Any and all other candidates

Besides the socialist Bernie Sanders, every other candidate in the race would serve as a better commander in chief than Hilary. Sure, many candidates have their downfalls, but Hilary is a serpent and serpents don’t belong in the white house. Keep Hilary out of the White House. This article is completely satire. Although I strongly disagree with Hilary Clinton and the majority of the Democratic Party, this is not meant to offend the left wing party but to simply add some humor in the upcoming months of the primaries. If you are that "Butthurt" by this simple article, feel free to counter with a Republican based satire article or just turn on CNN.

Honorable Mentions

1. Blue from Old School

2. John Belushi

3, The Wet Bandits from Home Alone

4. EOR

5. The star of " 25 and having fun" Brent Ely