The Olympics first debuted thousands of years ago, and while they might have been cool back then, their appeal has started to dry up. That’s why I have concocted four adrenaline-fueled sports guaranteed to revitalize international competition, which is just what the world needs right now.

Here’s a sneak peak of the new events that will grace the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo (pending approval by the Olympics Planning Committee, which is absolutely not something I made up and actually holds more power over global affairs than the current White House).

1. Dodgebowl

If you’ve ever watched bowling, you know that it’s mostly balding men in their fifties knocking down pins that can’t even be bothered to put up a fight. And if you’ve seen the way today’s kids play dodgeball, you know the soft balls that have replaced the rubber pain orbs of yore are merely a metaphor for the soft and passionless children we are raising.

These two sports are past their prime, but there is a way to redeem both of them at once while also making for extremely watchable television. That way is what I like to call “dodgebowl.” Dodgebowl is an event that pits the strongest, fastest, and most aggressive men each country has to offer against each other. It is played like standard dodgeball, but with bowling balls instead of any other kind of ball (actually, there is one additional kind of ball you need to play).

Not only does dodgebowl provide the sort of violent spectacle that can normally only be seen during periods of actual warfare or Game of Thrones season, but I’ve also added a pulse-pounding element of a different sort: child endangerment.

Each team will have a subteam of tweenagers tasked with retrieving any balls that fall into the no man’s land between the two clearly-defined sides of the court. Since dodgeballs only ever seem to settle in the precise middle of the field, much like the tiny and titular tabletop foosball, the children will bear the responsibility of risking their heads to ensure the adults on their team have ammunition, while also trying to ignore the fact that any man who manages to knock a kid on the other team flat will be entered into a Hamilton ticket raffle.

It really is what separates the boys from the men; the men get the easier half of the job, as always.

2. Beagling

When I first heard the term “beagling,” I was very excited, because I thought it meant “hunting beagles,” which are by far the most annoying and least beloved type of canine (as Schultz’s Snoopy conclusively demonstrates).

When I later learned that what beagling actually entails is “following a bunch of beagles while they chase after some overgrown rabbits,” I was—to put it mildly—rather disappointed. I had a spark of hope after reading that the beagle pack “is usually followed on foot, and in some limited examples, mounted,” only to then realize that the beagles themselves are not actually being mounted and ridden into the battlegrounds of the Great Rabbit War.

I refuse to be disappointed any further: beagling shall be an Olympic sport that involves riding beagles the size of dire wolves in pursuit of a furry adversary. A hunt so worthy of legend deserves a quarry just as worthy, which is why beagling will from this point forward target only the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog. The first team of ten men atop ten giant beagles to kill the Killer Rabbit wins the sport. I don’t mean they win the game; I mean they win the sport, because after the bane of Caerbannog is dead we won’t be able to play anymore.

3. Battle paddle

Have you ever had the unfortunate experience of sitting down to watch the Olympics, only to find the television camera pointed at a few guys paddle boarding for some reason? It doesn’t make for particularly compelling television. Just a handful of dudes standing on a board while holding a paddle and sometimes stroking the surface of the water with it. That ends today: battle paddle is a truly Olympian take on stand-up paddle boarding. Each contestant begins the event standing on a board, holding a paddle.

...Except the paddle isn’t used to smack the water exclusively: its other purpose is to whack the opposing athlete off his or her board into the water, where there will definitely be sharks waiting. Now, you might be thinking, “That’s an interesting idea for a sport, Hayden. It asks its players to maintain the poise and precision of fencers while keeping their balance like the best of gymnasts, and it also features sharks. But sharks don’t find humans very appetizing, so where’s the danger?” I’m glad you might have thought that, because you’re right: sharks aren’t particularly prone to attacking people.

...Unless there’s blood in the water, and taking it up the nose puts them into an indestructible murdermode like whatever that dust from the recent Wonder Woman movie was. That’s why the paddles used for battle paddle will have razors on their edges and needles facing outward from the broad side. The sharks will be kept on the hungry side, just to be safe. Or, unsafe.

4. Americorn football

If you’re like me, you’re tired of hearing all the news bulletins about the injuries football players receive and how they aren’t fatal. That ends today! Americorn football is much like regular football (by which I mean the football that most of the world doesn’t play), except for the piercingly sharp unicorn horns affixed to the helmets of each and every player.

But gut-wrenching gorings and perfectly-timed through-the-facemask money shots aren’t the only update being brought to a classic American sport: those of you who enjoy lighter-than-air gases in your pigskins (by which I mean Patriots fans) will be happy to note that all officially-licensed Americorn football balls will be filled with hydrogen. There will also be a cigarette lighter inside each ball, so you can never know for sure that it’s not going to explode when you touch it or tackle the guy who has it.

If the game’s viewability is ever adversely affected by the survival instincts of its players, Lord Voldemort will be released onto the field and told those creatures that look like humans wearing unicorn horns are actually unicorns wearing human suits.

Well, there you have it! Four events guaranteed to bring the Olympics back to the glory days of pankration and satisfyingly crunchy combat sports. Which of the four do you most look forward to watching, and which of your friends would you want to compete in it?