The Rio 2016 Olympics are finally here, and Americans are so excited! (Mainly because laying on the couch and watching TV all day is justified).
But sometimes we do feel a little sad watching a 16-year-old become more successful than we will ever be. So why not add some Olympic events that show off the talents of us average folk?
Here are 18 activities that should be Olympic events.
1. Grocery weightlifting
More than one trip is for the weak.
2. Rhythmic pasta eating
Because if you can eat spaghetti in a classy manner, you deserve a medal. Wave those ribbon noodles. Throw a meatball into the air and do a cartwheel before catching it in your mouth.
3. Synchronized napping
Every day. Same time. (Sorry, but I've already won this one. Try again in Tokyo.)
4. Pun cycling
Why cycling? Because I'm on a roll.
5. Netflix decathlon
Ten episodes in a row, go!
6. Artistic shower performing
Go for the all-around or seek individual event titles in singing, dancing and overall entertainment. Bonus points for creativity.
7. Dirty laundry marathon
College kids will sweep the podium every damn time.
8. Freestyle sarcasm
You have no idea how fast can I come up with a smartass remark. Are you more of a "speed" or "creativity" type of ass?
9. Driving until empty
The gas light is more of a suggestion than a real warning.
10. Diving into the food
Did someone say all you can eat buffet?
11. Dodging responsibilities
I don't actually need to be doing productive adult things right now.
12. Speed studying
Nothing like starting the night before an exam. Personal records are the thing to beat!
13. GPS racing
It's just you versus estimated time of arrival.
14. High jumping onto dorm room beds
You literally need a ladder for those things. Bonus points if you can keep that sandwich intact.
15. Flipping out
Aly Raisman's parents would finally catch up to their daughter's medal count.
16. Running your mouth
I personally excel at both sprinting and distance.
17. Jumping to conclusions
You usually get yourself stuck in a predicament just like this lady has. As long you stick the landing!
18. Spongebob Reference Medley
It's East vs. Weast in the battle of Bikini Bottom. Loser gets a sweater made out of tears. Winner gets a year's supply of Snail Po.
The Olympics are a time for people of the world to celebrate their personal accomplishments, so why not revel in our own special skills? These new events are sure to appeal to everyone, and we lazy, sassy Americans are sure to be at the top of the medal count. Show those teenagers with gold medals who's really in charge!
