With the world watching the 2016 Rio Olympics, there have been beautiful moments where many nations have come together to achieve something great as a unified and whole community, raising the standard of human achievement through friendly competition. These are not those moments.
1. That one moment when super bacteria were discovered in Rio’s bay because "sewage coming from local hospitals got channeled into the bay.”
An Olympic sailor reported, “It's a nice sailing area but every time you get some water in your face, it feels like there's some alien enemy entering your face. I keep my nose and my lips closed.”
2. That other time when an underwater sofa capsized an Olympic Kayaker.
Photo Credit: Phil Walter/Getty Images
The world just wanted him to sit down! (Author's Note: It is more accurate to say "Officials think it was an underwater sofa," but that's just not as fun.)
3. Or when the Olympics brought all nations together in the spirit of competition! Pay no attention to the Lebanese Olympians trying to keep the Israeli ones from getting on a bus, only friendly competition here!
4. When the members of the U.S. basketball team "accidentally" visited a brothel.
Hey, guys, we’ve all been there! Yesterday I "accidentally" visited a McDonald's and "accidentally" ordered three Big Macs and "accidentally" ate all of them. It was "accidentally" delicious.
5. That one time China got a new flag! I mean, the old one was getting a little dirty, anyway.
6. Or that time when…huh, a commercial, if I change to another NBC channel maybe…commercial? Oh, it’s back…what? Another commercial? That’s odd...hey, guys! It's back on, we can-GOD DAMNIT, ENOUGH.
7. The time when they lost the keys to their own stadium!
I know I put them down here somewhere. Yes, Tom, I did retrace my steps. If I knew where I put them last, we wouldn’t be having this problem, would we?!
8. When it was revealed that Olympic executives are skewing the system and taking money away from the athletes.
Wait, so trickle-down economics doesn’t actually work?
9. When you learn that the United States has more than 1000 spies protecting U.S. personnel.
Ah, no wonder the number of bloodsuckers has spiked in during the games.
Ohh, no he didn't!
10. That one time the Jamaican team arrived to unfinished hotel rooms.
I guess Motel 6 isn’t that bad, huh?
11. And finally, when the Australian team was robbed during a fire evacuation!
Much like a kangaroo, Australians cannot walk backward, so getting them into a tight corner was all it took to steal their wallets!
The Rio Olympics make Donald Trump seem competent! Sorry, it's impossible to see that man as anything more than...well, read this and you'll see what I mean.
