Tick-tock, tick-tock, the clock on the wall keeps ticking as the hours of the night drag on. I should be fast asleep dreaming of some boy’s mesmerizing blue eyes and golden blonde hair, instead I am staring at the ceiling pleading with God to just let me doze off for even an hour.
One hour, that’s all I am asking for. One hour to forget about that test that I have tomorrow. One hour to forget that I have an appointment with my academic advisor. One hour to forget the insignificant stresses that haunt me on a daily basis.
I know that I will never be granted that one hour though, my anxiety always wins.
Anxiety has taken over my life.
Just the simple task of going to class has become one of the greatest triggers. Sure, going to class is easy. All I have to do is take a seat in the back row, so that the professor won’t call on me. Except, I can’t just take any seat. I have to sit in the middle of the row so that I won’t have to get up and move for someone because I could be too slow at getting up or I could accidently drop my pen. Of course, I can’t sit right next to anyone either. I have to leave a seat or two in between the stranger sitting next to me, so that they don’t think I am weird. Then there is always the fear of group activities. Even though I’ve reduced my chances of being called on to answer a question that I know the answer to, but get too clammy to respond to, there is always the possibility of the group project or speaking exercise. I’m so enthusiastic and I love the class, but how can I be expected to collaborate with a group when I feel like my chest is closing up? So I sit there, everyday, watching the clock tick on slowly, tick-tock, and I count my breathes to make sure that I am still breathing because sometimes I feel like I have just stopped altogether, and I get through my classes.
Don’t even get me started on going on dates. Everyone gets the initial butterflies that make you nauseous and a little bit lightheaded, but imagine that every single time that you talk to the person that you like. Doesn’t sound fun, right? It’s not. In fact, it makes it really hard to keep your makeup on when you are sweating profusely just in anticipation of them ringing your doorbell. If I had a nickel for every time that I just flat out canceled using a stupid excuse like “I’m really sorry, I wish I could make it, but I’m just not feeling well,” I would be a rich girl. God forbid I actually go on the date - my stomach would be in knots the entire time. Talking, let alone thinking, and processing the awkward anecdotes that he is telling me is seemingly impossible. My eyesight goes and I start to panic. There is not a minute that goes by that I don’t think to myself, “Maybe I should text my mom and have her call me with a reason for me to leave.” Sometimes I do just that, but if I decide to stick it out, you can bet that I am constantly checking the time on my phone, waiting for this hell to be over. Tick-tock.
By far the worst and most recent reason for my anxiety is caused by not knowing what the hell I am going to do with the rest of my life. Am I in the right major? Should I be applying to internships? Who would want to hire me? Am I ready to be in the real world? These questions are stuck on repeat in my head every single day of my life. I am only a sophomore in college and the reality is that I don’t have a ten-year plan. This is not a bad thing. I don’t need to know what I want to do with the rest of my life, but my anxiety thinks otherwise. It is like a little person in my head knocking on the walls screaming, “Give me a plan!” Only I can’t do that. So, it punishes me by making me cry at random times and making me hyperventilate, because the not knowing is all just too much. I only have two years left, what if all of the success that I envision for myself never comes true? What if I can’t live up to everybody’s expectations? What if I fail? Two years. Tick-tock.
If I know I have a test I can’t sleep for days. If I know that I have to be somewhere at a certain time I leave an hour early because I can’t handle being late for anything, ever. The month before I move into school everything has to be laid out, packed, and ready to go. I need lists and lots of them. I need order. I need to know everything that is going on, when, where, and who’s driving. My outfits are picked out the night before class and I don’t understand the concept of “just winging it”. I can’t just go with the flow.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Why am I the only one that has these issues?
I have hid my anxiety disorder for as long as I can remember. I have chalked it up to stress and moved on. I buried it so far down because I felt like anxiety was just one of those things that people over exaggerated. If we’re being honest, I didn’t really even think that it existed.
Boy was I wrong.
I thought that I was the only one with these issues, but it turns out that forty million U.S. adults suffer from an anxiety disorder. 75% of these adults experience their first episode by the age of 22.
Anxiety is the No. 1 mental health diagnosis on college campuses. More than half of the students who go to campus clinics looking for help are going to get help for an anxiety disorder.
Anxiety disorder is real and it is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Instead of tucking it away and struggling to get through your days as I have, you need to get help. I know, I know that going to the doctor’s is the worst thing in the world. They always want to poke and prod you and the paper gowns are uncomfortable and the table is always freezing, but despite popular belief, they are there to help. If your case of anxiety is severe enough they can prescribe you pills that will take the edge off. If your case is milder than they can recommend some things that you can do that will help you manage your anxiety better, such as, doing yoga, eating well-balanced meals, limiting alcohol and caffeine, sleeping, and exercising. They can also refer you to a therapist to make sure that your anxiety doesn’t lead to body dysmorphic disorder, depression, eating disorders or substance abuse.
I know how scary it can be to admit that there is something wrong with you, but I also know how relieving it can be to finally figure out ways to cope. Your anxiety may never completely go away, that is an unfortunate fact, but I take the small victories where I can get them.
If I make it through class without my chest feeling like it’s going to implode then that’s a victory. If I make it through a date without sweating through my clothes than that’s a check in the win pile. If I go one day without crying hysterically about something that I shouldn’t be worrying about for another two years, then that’s an accomplishment.
I will not let anxiety rule my life, and neither should you.
Do some deep breathing exercises.
Talk to someone.
Get help.
Maybe, just maybe, you’ll be able to sleep through the night before a big test without panicking that you didn’t study paragraph 16 on page 212 closely enough. Baby steps though. It’s only a matter of time. Tick-tock.
