I have liked to spend time in my own company as long as I can remember. Being alone is something I really enjoy, but it can also be very lonely at times.
I have never been the super social girl with a lot of friends or boyfriends. Why – I do not know, and I keep wondering. What is it about me that make me friendless? Am I not a good friend, or girlfriend for that sake? The older I have become, I have been philosophizing more and more trying to come to a conclusion; an answer. I have started to drag some lines together, but there is no final conclusion yet.
I lost my mom when I was nine-years-old. She died from cancer. I do not remember much of my life before she died, but I am not going to blame her for my anti-social skills. I believe that her death had a lot to do with how I developed later on in my childhood. I grew up with my dad. A man who did not show too many emotions or love. That is just how he is. We never hugged or said I love you to each other. I do not blame him either, but I believe that both of my parents have impacted the woman I have turned out to be today.
Since I was a little girl, I always wanted love. In kindergarten, I had three “boyfriends." When I started elementary school, I did not know anyone. My peers started to get best friends, created cliques and got boyfriends. This kept going on until high school. I got my first real boyfriend when I was 18-years-old. We started dating when I was 17-years-old. He sent a single rose to my door on my 18th birthday because he could not be present. It was the day before Christmas. A couple of weeks later, he told me that we would not work out. I was not shocked. This was usually the response I would get every time I tried to engage into something more with boys. A month later he came back and said he wanted me, despite what he had already told me. Stupid enough, I said yes, and we started the journey of an almost two-year relationship. He was my first boyfriend and I was super proud, but he never said that he loved me.
I had always had a dream of going to the United States. I never felt like Norway was where I belonged – I did not truly feel it in my heart. When I was 19, I applied to Humboldt State in Northern California. When I was 20, I packed two suitcases and flew over the Atlantic Ocean alone after being accepted. I started to make friends right away. I had four fantastic roommates, and I felt lucky to know them. I also met a great guy that I really liked. We were never exclusive, but were hanging out together all the time. Three months after I moved, I was raped. It changed everything. I already had a hard time finding my place in this world, making connections and finding love. I thought I had started to build what I had always wanted, but I was wrong. In the aftermath of the rape, everything became worse. I still want the friends and the boyfriend that I have always dreamed of, but now it is even more difficult. I do not know how to be “normally” social, but I try my hardest every day. Interacting with men does not make me feel anything special either anymore.
I start to wonder if I am going to end up as the cliché story of the lonesome old woman with her house full of cats. Do you know what? I do not care if I do. If that is what makes me happy, that is then what is supposed to happen to me even if it was not in my ambitions. I can be my own hero. We need strong women in today’s society, and if I can become one of them, and accomplish a lot of career goals and volunteer work with helping others, what does it matter if I have a bunch of friends and a husband or not?
If you do not love yourself, no one else can either.
