I've been in this position for a very long time. I have been constantly pulled between my dream of helping anyone and everyone in any possible way I can, without thinking about myself and the fact that I just can't do that all the time. I am in a constant state of deciding between helping others and helping myself. The reality is that my mind itself is far too dedicated to helping others to begin thinking about helping myself.

I've been thinking about what it means to be in a one-sided relationship for a very long time. This first started when I realized that after two full weeks of answering message after message, only one person had asked me how I was doing before asking me for something. It was in this moment that I realized that I was in many different situations where I was only being used instead of valued as a human being.

The truth is that this killed me. I stayed in my bed for three straight school days, skipped class, cancelled meetings, didn't turn things in, turned my phone off, and listened only to the thoughts running through my mind about why I was such a terrible person. This was hard for me because I thought I was doing the right thing by helping people, but I didn't realize that the whole time I wasn't helping; I was doing. I wasn't aiding; I was completing for them.

SO what did I do? I made a list. I made a long, long list of people who I (at that time) considered my friends and wrote next to their names whether I thought it'd be worth it to try and fix the relationship or just give up. I based it on how often they asked me for help versus how often they even asked me how I was or said hello without following it with a question.

Next to every single name, besides two, was "give up".

I want to make it clear that I didn't go into making the list thinking I wan't to cut everyone off: I know I need people and need to not be harsh. But fake friends aren't friends.

So, I did what I always do, and I proceeded to think about those two relationships that seemed one-sided and I evaluated them. What happened next? I thought more. I thought and thought about how I could say NO or explain why I couldn't give them answers to their homework anymore.

The truth is that I haven't found the answer to that.

At the end of the day, I am still the one left without anyone by my side to ask me how I am and I am left losing people left and right because I finally decided to think of myself in a relationship instead of how I can help the other person. That leaves me down one, them up one.

Currently, all those who asked me for help and then left when I told them no, are winning. They're beating me in this game of life because they're still fine and ask other people for help, while I am left without anyone to even talk to. I am left without literally any single person who cares to speak to me just to speak to me. The worst part is that I did this to myself. I made them think it was okay for them to only use me instead of care about me. I did this to myself.

How does that make me feel, you ask? Like shit. Worthless. Useless. Disposable.

And maybe that is just what I am.

Maybe I am around only to be in one-sided relationships, aiding others and disregarding myself for the sake of staying around just long enough to help others get to their goals. This, leaving me so far behind that I do nothing but lie down and let the inevitable currents of life take me away just as they were going to eventually. Just as they eventually take everyone away.

Will I die being used by others? Will I die being disposable? Will this be the cause? I don't know. All I do know is that the feelings of being alone on top of the feelings of others disregarding my feelings and calling them "typical Brianna" is eating me up inside.

One-sided relationships are the cause of the reason why I feel so worthless and disposable. But maybe that's how this is all supposed to be. Maybe this is just it.