Over 350 million people worldwide suffer from depression. For the longest time, I didn't want to think I was one of those people. All people experience those feelings, right? Reflecting on my life, I didn't think I had the right to feel depressed or anxious. I have a family that loves me. I go to college. I'm involved, I always have been. I didn't think I was the type of person who gets depressed. On one hand, I felt like if I said anything about it, I would get brushed off. People wouldn't believe me, I would've been looking for attention in their eyes. On the other hand, I didn't want people to look at me and pity me, expecting me to be sad all the time or always crying. I just wanted someone to understand me and support me.
Realizing that I was depressed and that I needed help was a struggle for me. I'm not the type of person who admits that something's wrong. I'll fight having to take medicine for a headache or a cold. But my freshman year of college was rough. I found myself becoming more and more reclusive. There were times when I felt so alone, even though I was surrounded by people almost constantly. I thought I had transitioned well, but I hadn't really. And this first semester of my sophomore year was even worse. I would struggle to get out of bed. I missed classes because I just didn't care what happened anymore. I thought I was going to fail them anyway, so I didn't see a point in going. I quit doing my dishes or doing laundry on a regular basis. Basic self-care seemed like a daunting task. On weekends, I was lucky if I drug myself out of bed by three in the afternoon and at that point, I didn't see a point of changing out of my pajamas or making myself lunch. Eating fell by the wayside, as did sleep. This was the way my depression manifested itself. I didn't cry all the time, although there were times where I would absolutely lose it and bawl when everything seemed to pile up and I didn't think I could handle all of the stress and my feelings. I felt alone and empty. But, I acted like everything was fine around my friends and family. After all, I didn't want to worry them.
Suppressing my feelings made things worse, though. It started to affect the people around me in ways that I didn't always notice right away. Communicating with the people I was close with became more difficult and in return, it pushed them away. There were times where I would get so irritated over the smallest of things and blow everything out of proportion. It caused stupid arguments over insignificant things which I would regret and overthink afterward. To put it plainly, I was a mess and it started to hurt people around me. I began to isolate myself even further, only really going to class and meetings that were mandatory. I would come back to my dorm and lay in bed for hours before I would finally get the motivation to start homework which I had usually procrastinated on until the very last minute.
When I came home for Thanksgiving break, I realized that I really needed to talk to someone about everything I'd been struggling with. Not just for myself, but for the people around me as well. Telling my parents was one of the hardest things I've had to do, but I'm incredibly lucky that they've been so supportive.
I'm not explaining any of this for pity or for people to look at me any differently. The reality is that depression is something I've struggled with for quite some time by myself. And I'm sure that there are so many others who are doing the same thing at this very moment. We shouldn't be afraid to talk about it. Mental health is seen as such a taboo topic to talk about when in reality it should be one of the most important things we talk about. Too many people struggle with mental illness in private, with the fear of being branded as unstable or crazy. In reality, they just want support, they just want someone to talk to without judgment.
If you're struggling with a mental illness, know you're not alone. Mental illness is not something to be ashamed of. The way you feel is valid. Know that it's OK to seek help. You don't have to do everything on your own. And if you have a loved one or friend who struggles with mental health, please be there for them. Support them. Know you can't fix what they're struggling with, but you can try to understand and be there when they need you.
For more information on conditions that affect mental health, resources, and research, go to MentalHealth.gov at
If you or someone you know is in crisis, get help quickly.
- Call your doctor.
- Call 911 for emergency services.
- Go to the nearest hospital emergency room.
- Call the toll-free, 24-hour hotline of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255); TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY (4889)
