When I was four years old, my parents got divorced. From my understanding, due to their crazy work schedules, we used to just run through a fast food place or throw some Ellio's pizza in the oven for dinner. There wasn't time for big homemade meals, so I just had the 'easy to make things.' That was the beginning of what I later on in life would realize was an eating disorder.
Usually, when somebody thinks of an eating disorder, they think of anorexia or bulimia. They think of disorders that make you stress over losing weight, rather than ones that have to do with your actual diet. An eating disorder is defined as a psychological disorder that is characterized by abnormal or disturbed eating habits. Since I was four years old, I've suffered from an eating disorder known as S.E.D., which stands for selective eating disorder and I can honestly say it has taken a huge toll on not just my health, but my life.
Growing up, my family and some friends have all attempted to help me treat the disorder. The usual way is to just try new things. Easy enough, right? Well, I wish it was that simple. Every time I attempt to put something out of the norm into my mouth, I either get physically ill or have an intense anxiety attack that leads into a mental breakdown. As I've gotten older, if something looks appealing to me I will try it. But there are still lots of things I am unable to put into my mouth without feeling like I'm going to puke.
Suffering from S.E.D. has kept me from doing a lot and has made my anxiety worse than I could have imagined. When I go to big family dinners, I have to lie and say that I'm feeling sick or I had eaten prior to get out of having the large meal, then I sit at the table awkwardly with everybody. When my friends want to go out, I have to make sure we go to the same kind of place so I know I'll have something to eat or else I will just claim I'm not hungry.
Before I got into a relationship, I would constantly say that I didn't like classic dinner dates to avoid going to a sit-down restaurant where I would not be able to eat anything. This disorder has kept me from being able to experience life, and I wish it was something that I could easily change.
Only a select few people know about my disorder -- and I guess now everyone else does too. If you're unfamiliar with this disorder, it's easy to say that it's just being an overly picky eater -- but it's not. I have tried so many different tactics to change this. Other than being in and out of therapy all these years, I even tried hypnosis at one point. I left the session craving a cheeseburger and went to go get one. I had a few bites of it and felt instantly proud. The next day when I attempted to have a few bites of one again, I ran to the bathroom and threw up.
I've struggled with a lot growing up. I was severely bullied, I struggle with depression and anxiety, and I got diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) not too long ago -- but this is the longest and toughest battle I've ever had to face, and I'm scared it won't ever get better.
Coming forth with this right now is harder than coming forth about being admitted for a suicide attempt and harder than coming forth about my ex-boyfriend who tried to force himself on me. I've kept this a secret for a very long time because I was scared, and I still am. I'm scared of being judged and not understood. I'm scared of being looked at as if I'm a freak and I don't know how to handle myself. But recently, I gained a little insight on how important it is to come forth about issues like this.
There could be somebody else out there who's having the same struggle as I am. It doesn't have to be with S.E.D., but it could be with any kind of eating disorder. And I want you to know that if you struggle with one, I'm here for you. It may not be the same situation, but I know how you're feeling and I promise -- we'll get through it together.
