Loss is inevitable. As much as we want life to be eternal and for our loved ones to live by our sides forever, at some point we have to part. Sometimes these partings are shocking while other’s we get to prepare for, neither is ideal.
Within a year, four seasons go by, the leaves fall and leave the trees bare, snow falls and covers the ground in white, the snow melts letting the green grass grow through, and then the sun warms the earth back up for the summer. Also within that year, you age, you complete a year of school, get a job, or even lose a job.
Change is also inevitable. Things will not also be how you remember them to be and that fact of life is hard to fathom. A year of all different events, all experienced, without you. A year later and I still miss you just as much as I do when I first found out you left us.
It is approaching the 365-day mark of you leaving us. Three-hundred-sixty-five days without your soft smile, gentle forehead kisses, and caring words. The days that have passed between when I last felt your presence to now, almost a year later, have only made the realization of you being gone much more difficult. With each passing day, it’s as if all those memories were simply just our “lasts” and now we are just getting farther away from them.
Even though our world stopped when you left, somehow time in the real world still continued. That’s the funny thing about time, no matter how badly we want it to stop, it will always continue its usual routine, it’s not phased by death. It's frightening how present times turn into memories and soon that’s all we have to hold on to. I’m afraid with the passage of time I am just leaving you in the past, never on purpose, but memories start to get hazy and your last hug seems so far away, I don’t want to let go.
I know you wouldn’t want to see us grieving over the loss of your life but rather be celebrating that you did live. You would be amazed the impact your absence has created. In my opinion, graveyards have never been healing to me, nonetheless comforting.
However, since you left us I can feel you there. I know you can feel me as well, by the way, you let the sun shine on me, imitating your warmth. I wish this wasn’t our only meeting place and rather, I could be sitting across from you while you sit in your red chair.
It’s weird how when we don’t get to say goodbye, that’s when we begin to feel regret. The moment we can no longer do anything we realize we should have done more, called you more, visited you more, just really took in your presence, noted what side you wore your watch on or how many rings you wore. It’s the little things that we take for granted every day but how quickly do we miss them when they are no longer right in front of us.
Even though I want to hang on to our last moment and be stuck there, when everything was perfect, and I never experienced loss so close to my heart. I have realized like everything else in life, it continues, regardless if we want it to or not. Without you here we experienced all our firsts, first Christmas without you, first birthday, first St. Patrick’s Day, and first Easter.
A year later and I’ve learned that missing you never will get easier but the heartache subsides. I speak of you often and love to hear others say your name as well. Your spirit lives on through all of us. I love you and miss you more than words can say but until we meet again I promise I will keep working to make you proud.
