Hi,

I guess I don't know where to start. I know it's been a while, and I feel really terrible that we never had this conversation before. I miss you. I wish I could stop but I can't. I think about reaching out to you all the time, but I never do because I think it will just open up all of these wounds that we've spent all this time trying to let heal. I finally caved and started writing this, so I'll let it fill all this silence that I've left here for so long. It's probably going to hurt and bring you back to read this, but I think it's something that will be better for both of us.

I thought I would marry you, you know. Every plan and dream that we had together was so real to me. Letting that go is still not something that I can consider easy. My future with you was a clear vision and it was so secure in my mind. Now that you're gone, I have no idea what the future holds for me. Even though everything is different now, I didn't fake any of my feelings. I never anticipated us being apart. Having you in my life forever was something that I always wanted. So, I am sorry that things ended up the way that they did, and I am sorry that things ended the way that they did. I am really, really sorry.

I think about you often- when I have my headphones in walking to class, when some sad song is playing and I'm in the shower, and when I'm in a crowded room and somehow feel lonely because there is an absence of you. It's crazy how we went from being such a big part of each other's lives everyday to becoming what feels like nothing. You knew everything about me and my life and what I did every day. I know you used to be able to say the same about me.

I miss the little things, like when you were the first to know about everything. I miss texting you when I got a good grade on my exam, and I miss calling you when I couldn't sleep at night. I miss your family, and the smell of your house, and the way you drove, and seeing your face light up when you were excited about something, and even wiping away the tears that would find their way out of the corners of your eyes late at night.

I miss the way you would send me new songs you heard and fell in love with so we could share them, and I miss holding your tired body in my sleepy arms. I miss the way you would shake your head disapprovingly at me when I was being crazy, and the way you would catch me smiling and staring at you and how I would get to tell you that "it's just because I love you so much." I miss the way you used to run your fingers up and down my rib cage and the way your body seemed to fit so well with mine. I miss the comfort that you instilled in me with so much ease and the feeling of being your number one, and being truly, deeply, passionately loved by you.

You are everywhere. I can't shake you. You are in the songs we used to sing. You are in the sheets we used to lie in. You are in the places we used to go. You are in the jokes we used to make. You are in the parts of my body you used to touch.

Doing all of the things that we used to do on my own, without you, is something that has taken me so much time. Doing all of the things we used to do with someone else will take me even longer.

I never wanted even to imagine you being with someone else. I never wanted to imagine you calling someone else yours and someone else calling you theirs, and me not being able to step in and say that you are mine and I am yours. Though it hurts me to envision all of these things, I let myself. I know that you deserve to be happy more than I can put into words. I used to hold the belief that no one else should ever be able to touch you, kiss you, or be with you the way that I was able to. I realize now that whoever can do it better than I could is who deserves you and who you deserve. Someone new will touch you, kiss you, and be something for you. It damn well better be someone who can do all of those things even better than I could, and who can be every single thing that you deserve. They better keep your secrets safe, tend to your insecurities, and cherish everything that makes you who you are. They better touch you carefully and kiss you gently and be absolutely everything for you.

I still love you, by the way. Since you let me go, since you told me goodbye, I have been trying to stop being in love with you and to simply love you. This is because I know that we can't be together. I know that this isn't what is right for us, even though we wish it was. Sometimes, love is not enough. Nothing hurts me more than holding that knowledge.

Though this is not how I wanted our story to go, you've written pages and pages of mine. You have taught me so much about myself, about the world, and about love. You taught me to be myself, and to love myself. You taught me to make a difference in the world and reach my full potential by pursuing what is important to me. You taught me what love looks like in its absolute fullest, and now I know that I will never settle for anything less, though sometimes I believe that everything will be less than the love we shared. It terrifies me and wakes me up at night. Everything everyone else does will always be held up against the standard that you set for the love that I deserve.

I will never regret being with you. I would never take back a single second that I spent with you or a single penny that I spent on you. The memories that we made will always be some of my absolute fondest and the dreams that we shared will always be some of my absolute wildest.

All differences, fights, and struggles aside, I do love you. I always have and I always will. I want all the best for your future. No one deserves it like you do. I hope one day, we can talk again and we can be okay with all that has happened. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday. I hope one day, you'll tell your friends and family the story of us with a smile on your face, and peace and love in your heart. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday.

I know I will.

Thank you for everything,

Me