Seven years ago, you had your last birthday. We never thought that your 18th birthday was the last year we would be celebrating with you; nobody expects a person so close to them to die so young. Every day, I lay awake at night tearing through the folds of my brain trying to envision what your life would be like today, how happy you would have been in this moment. The other half of my day consists of the push and pull of everyday distractions and how different my life would be if you were still here. Two thoughts that will always haunt and follow me the rest of my life: how would your life be today and how would my life be if you were still alive?

You would have been turning 25 years old this Sunday and there would be no party because you never liked parties, just an intimate dinner at Macaroni Grill with immediate family. You would insist on not bringing attention to yourself while there, but we all know mom would want to embarrass you, yelling over to the waiter that it was your 25th birthday. You saw it coming, but allowed it anyway because you knew you liked it just a little bit. You would have grimaced first, laughed, then given her that "Why did you do this, mom?" look, even though you expected it to happen before you even stepped foot in the restaurant. You would have had a long term boyfriend at this point, because if you were dating someone, you would make damn sure that they would love you forever, and be able to handle your weird food combinations like dipping popcorn into milk. Maybe he was planning on proposing to you at dinner because he knew how much family meant to you. Of course, he would have to ask for my permission first, or I would have kicked his butt. He would also have to propose correctly or I would demand he try again because you deserve a fantastic proposal. You always wanted kids, and I am sure they would have been on your mind at the time, but meant to save for the future. You always wanted to take your time and be cautious, but we all know mom would be bugging you for a grand baby every time she saw you. You would have finished your associates and bachelors, while currently working on a masters degree, since you would have wanted to further your education. You would be teaching at the same time, balancing both school and work, yet enjoying both the balance of stress and joy. You would be teaching elementary students currently in reading and writing, possibly history as well, but your goal would be to teach French down the line since it was your forte. You would have had plans to travel to Paris so you could engulf yourself within the culture you always appreciated and loved. You would have possibly moved over a city or two, but not too far away because you knew that I had separation issues and you would have to still make sure your little sister stayed out of trouble. Plus you knew that when I told you I would be your neighbor for life, I was not kidding, so you made sure to stay far enough to not disrupt my goals, but close enough to make sure I could still be your neighbor when my schooling was done. You would have been there for all the heartaches like when dad was diagnosed with lymphoma. You would have been much more attentive to him than I was, because you wanted to make sure he got through it all fine, which he did, and you would have been proud of his strength. You would have been there for mom when our uncle died of cancer. You would have comforted her and held her while I tried to hold up and glue back together the pieces of our happiness to prevent the world from falling in on us. You would have been just a footstep, phone call or street away from me whenever I could not hold myself together for another day. You would have been there for all of us. My life would be so much more different today if you were still alive.

I would have to seek you out every day of the week for your emotional support because I was never as strong as you. I would still be freaking out over small, petty problems because I would not have had to grow up faster like I was forced to after you died. I would have been able to make friends and be able to open myself up to everyone like I used to do, because I would not have the fear of losing someone who was the other half of my heart. I would not have trust issues like I do now because I would have never had people taking advantage of me at my worst like it happened after your death. I wouldn't have had anxiety, depression or suicidal thoughts or have the intense emotional struggle I have with myself everyday to get out of bed or to fight myself to fall asleep at 2 a.m. in the morning. I wouldn't have to force myself to go out and be happy, I would actually be happy with you still with me. I would not have to think about how the extra memories would be like if you were still alive, I would actually be living them with you. You would be here celebrating the last seven years with me, with mom, with dad, with people you have not yet met, with everyone. You would be here turning 25.