My favorite number is eight, and I like even numbers. I make every crooked hanging picture straight, and I always make sure that every window is shut and every door is locked before I go to bed. These habits of mine are things I’m trying to break, but I’m in no rush to get rid of them because it’s hard to stop. Doing certain things everyday help me get through the day. Mostly they are things that are habitual to me now and I don’t even notice them, but the fact that I can control something, in a world full of uncontrollable things, is important to me. And when I have the power to control what I can, I feel safe. It’s when things get out of my control that makes me anxious.
Medically speaking, anxiety affects the way you go about your day and it often interferes with typical behaviors, occasionally accompanied by panic attacks and obsessive behaviors. For me, anxiety is a worry about the future. Whether it’s an upcoming event, a test you have in the next couple hours, a date with a new person or you’re just sitting in your room by yourself thinking about your future, the outcome is unpredictable and it’s scary. So many elements can influence the results and you are only one factor. You can’t help but worry and you can’t help but feel uneasy.
From what I can remember, I was always a nervous child. I hated going to school because I didn’t want to leave my mom during the day. I hated meeting new people and I hated sleeping by myself because I was scared that when I woke up in the morning, everyone would be gone. We tried fixing that problem by buying a ginormous stuffed teddy bear that laid on the floor beside my bed underneath a blanket to convey in the dark, an image of one of my parents sleeping next to me. It didn’t work.
Why wasn’t I able to go camping overnight with my Girl Scout troop? Why did I cry whenever I had to leave my parents? Why was I so scared? What was I afraid of? Why was I not able to just get over it? I grew up thinking that I had a problem, and I grew up thinking that I was the only one who felt like this.
By the time I was 11 I started to mellow out a little bit. There wasn’t anything in particular that happened to ease some of the tension, I just felt more free. I had grown up in a sense to where I was able to be on my own, and since then, I’ve learned what works best for me. In a time of anxious defeat, I recognize what it going on and I shut it down. I close my eyes. I take deep breaths. I remind myself that everything is going to be okay because everything will be eventually.
Accepting that things are out of your control is hard for someone with anxiety. You can’t trust that the chips will fall where they may. You want to place the chips strategically in an order that makes sense to you and has the best outcome. You can’t let anything go and you can’t ever seem to relax because the moment you lay your head down on a pillow to get some rest, you’re making lists and you’re thinking of a million other things you could be doing.
September of last year I lived through a moment where I was not in control. I thought I had a firm grasp on what it was I had to do in anxious situations, but I couldn’t seem to resurface from the funk it had put me in. I shared what was going on with a few friends of mine, gathered as many opinions and as much feedback as I could before accepting what had happened. I had been feeling tired for a while, battling an endless cold that made me walk around for weeks with a cloudy haze inside my head. It was then I realized that I couldn’t help myself on my own. I made an appointment with a doctor to talk about my exhaustion, connecting it with my endless pre-cautious thoughts and worries.
During my appointment the doctor asked why I was there and what I thought the problem was.
“I have anxiety. I always have,” I answered blatantly.
“Why do you say that?” she asked.
I shared with her my experiences as a child and told her about my current life. At the time I was a junior in college taking more credits than I had to, an officer and active participant in my sorority, and I felt this weight sitting on my chest, crushing me from the inside out.
“I see a lot of people your age with the same problem,” she told me simply as if there wasn’t anything she could do to help me because I was just your average, run-of-the-mill 20 year old trying to make it through college alive. “There are different types of anxiety. Everyone has it and to some level, a little bit of it is normal. What you seem to be facing is burnout.”
“Wait,” I stopped her. “You’re telling me that this behavior is normal?”
I couldn’t believe it. After this whole time of thinking something was wrong with me.
She nodded her head.
“It’s normal to have a reaction to uncertainty. It’s when those feelings interrupt your daily life that anxiety may be a bigger issue. Does this kind of behavior affect your daily life?”
“Never. I never let it get in the way of what needs to be done.”
“What behavior you seem to exhibit most is a concern for your safety. Checking the door if it’s locked, even when you were a young girl, being away from your parents. They are there to protect you and being away from them was scary for you. This is completely normal, Kaitlin.”
Probably the most unsatisfying word to describe someone, yet so meaningful to me in that moment. Normal. This was normal. I was normal. Nothing was wrong with me.
After taking some blood work to see if anything was physically wrong with me, she walked me out of the patient room and to the exit of the facility. I turned to her and with tears in my eyes, I gave her a hug, thanking her for everything.
The best decision I made in regards to my anxiety was talking to a professional, in fact, I wish I had gone earlier. The scariest part was not knowing. I was giving myself anxiety about the idea of having anxiety. Confusing, I know, but just go with me. I lived with that confusion for as long as I can remember.
If any of these thoughts and feelings are resonating with you, have no shame in talking to someone about it. You could come out of an appointment with a clearer head and a course of action. For me, my doctor gave me reassurance that I was in the realm of normal anxiety levels which helped calm my frequent worries. I experience anxious feelings, but I do not have a disorder. For others, this might not be the case. There may be something more going on, but now you have some resources to get you help.
Just because you don’t hear people talking about it, doesn’t mean that people aren’t going through it. You are not alone. Seek help if you can. There is nothing to lose. You won’t regret it.
