When I ask people what they know about psychosis, I usually get looks of confusion or an answer of “I don’t know.” And yet, there are lots of risk factors that can cause psychosis - brain damage, vitamin deficiency, drugs (even legally prescribed), depression, and it can be the result of childbirth or illness - just to name a few. (Source) So, if there’s so many causes, why don’t people talk about it more? But I guess the more important question is: why should we talk about it more?
My psychosis happened during my senior year, and it was the result of a bad reaction to a doctor-prescribed medication that was supposed to help me with my depression (go figure.)
When it happened, I had no idea what was going on. I had no idea the medication I was taking put me at risk for psychosis, and I had no idea what psychosis was. The only times I heard the word “psychosis” was when it used to describe a violent or murderous character on TV. (Actually these kind of characters are generally examples of psychopaths - a mental disorder in which a person’s ability to feel empathy is compromised.) Or defined as someone who is constantly hearing voices that lead them to do violent or unusual things.
And yes, some people who are psychotic do hallucinate, but not everyone does. I didn’t. But I suffered many other symptoms that are common to psychosis sufferers. (Source) However, nobody, even my doctors, knew how to identify them. It seemed as if I had suddenly started suffering from multiple different mental illnesses at once. ADHD, Anxiety, Depression.
The delusions and paranoia I suffered from made myself and everyone around me think that my anxiety had just gotten really bad. But the thoughts I was having were quite like the anxiety that I was used to, but I was unable to communicate this to anyone. I felt like I was constantly being watched and judged by my classmates, and suddenly I was having to take my exams in a separate setting just so I could concentrate and not feel like I was being stared at. I felt like most of the people I was closest to in my life suddenly wanted to hurt or embarrass me.
Throughout my senior year, my work was getting harder and harder, and I was afraid of failing, because concepts were getting extremely hard to grasp. Towards the end of my senior year, I was stilling wearing coats despite it being 80 degrees outside, and I was feeling like I wanted to die. It was a really awful time, and no one knew what was going on or how to help me.
I am safe now. I quit the medication I was on, and within about three months, my psychosis was gone and I was showing a lot of improvement.
However, I am not the only one who will ever suffer from psychosis. It concerns me that there are other people out there, trying to deal with debilitating symptoms like mine, and don’t know where they came from or how to get help. How many mothers are suffering from postpartum psychosis? How many sufferers of depression and endocrine diseases noticing their grip on reality slipping? How many lives are lost to psychosis? The sharing of my story was one part, but I beseech those in the mental health community everywhere - we need to talk.
