Earlier this week, one of my sorority sisters, Marissa, hosted a discussion on self-inhibiting behaviors that women exhibit. A popular one was over-apologizing.
As we went around sharing our thoughts, I tried to remember all the times I apologized to someone this past week.
"Sorry for bothering you, but could you send me the notes from yesterday?"
"Sorry, if it's not too much trouble, could you find this in my size?"
"I'm so sorry, but can you finish your part of the project soon?"
I got so annoyed hearing it over and over again as I recounted each time I said it. I had no reason to feel sorry for so many of the things I apologized for, yet I still felt the need to say it.
"I'm sorry."
Why was I saying it when I wasn't even at fault? I wasn't the only one asking myself this. Every girl in our circle found themselves wondering the same thing.
Why are women apologizing so much when they've done nothing wrong?
I thought maybe it was just an annoying habit that stemmed from wanting to be polite. I was raised by my parents to always be accommodating. It's been engrained in my head that I should always find ways to please others before thinking about myself.
But as I thought more about what seemed like a harmless habit, I realized that it was actually the one thing hurting me the most.
Marissa pulled up a screen full of words. Confident, powerful, self-serving, intelligent were just some that stood out among the many. Then, she asked us if we would ever use these words to describe ourselves.
I kept looking for the right words, but I struggled to feel a genuine connection with any of the adjectives on the screen. I lack confidence in a lot of areas, and I've never felt that I have the ability to be powerful. I wasn't sure if I was smart enough to be considered intelligent. The exercise made me see how much I undervalued myself.
I realized that over-apologizing is not a behavior that I developed out of wanting to be respectful, but a reflection of the insecurities and self-doubt I have.
The more a woman apologizes, the more she puts herself down. The more she says sorry, the harder it gets for her to appreciate herself.
A goal of mine is to apologize less and believe in myself more. I want to express my ideas without feeling conscious or ashamed. I encourage all my ladies out there to do the same, in order to gain back the confidence and self-worth that we are conditioned to feel guilty for having.
So, sorry, I ain't sorry.
