It was the beginning my sophomore year in high school. Things were off to a great start. I was excited about my classes and beginning to rehearse for my One Act audition. Things were great at home too, or at least that’s what I thought.
My mother had been seeing a woman for about two years after my parents separated. I never cared that she was dating a woman but I was never sure how to feel about the woman she chose to be with. Nobody in my family liked her, but I always assumed that was because she was a woman and they weren’t used to seeing my mother date a female. I thought my mother was happy being with her because that’s what she always said. Whenever my mom asked if I liked her I would just answer yes because I knew that’s what she wanted to hear and I never wanted to upset her.
Soon after being with this woman my mother had grown distant with me and my sisters. We wouldn’t see her very often and when we did, her time was monopolized by her girlfriend on the phone. She infected my mother’s head, telling her that we were brats and she didn’t need to spend time with us. She would expect my mom to go to her house and spend all of her free time there and none of it with us. It felt like we had lost our mother. She wasn’t who she used to be. She was always there for us when we were little. She would spend every moment she could with us, and now she didn’t even want to watch television with us because she was always talking to her girlfriend.
This woman that my mother was so in love with was emotionally abusive. She would call my mother ugly and tell her that she was worthless. She beat her down until my mother believed every word that she said. My mother had always struggled with depression and self-esteem in the past, and the way that this woman talked to my mother made things worse. She broke my mother to the point that she didn’t even want to be alive anymore.
I was out one night with my dad and youngest sister when we got a call. Our car had Bluetooth so it came over the speakers. It was the woman my mom was seeing and she says, “Heather just left my house, she said she took some pills and she is going to kill herself.”
My heart literally dropped.
“I can’t deal with this right now but you should go check on her.”
My father immediately turned the car around to head towards her apartment. I just stared out the window. The first thought that came to mind was “What did I do wrong?” I tried to remember the last fight we had and thought about what I said to her. I kept wondering if I hadn’t fought with her as much or if I tried to spend more time with her, would she have been happy enough to stay? What could I have done to have prevented this?
Thankfully, we got to her apartment in time. We went inside and my little sister and I went to our rooms and I tried to keep silent. I’ll never be able to forget the sound of my mother pleading to my dad to just let her die. It still echoes in my mind today. Hearing your own mother beg for you to let her end her life makes you wonder what you did wrong. You feel like you aren’t good enough. Like you’re a failure and you aren’t worth sticking around for.
Suicide has changed my life. Going through this with my mother was the hardest thing that I have ever had to go through. It has taught me so much. I learned how strong my mother is and that she can overcome anything. Knowing that my mother fought and survived a battle with suicide inspires me every day. She reminds me that I can do anything and that I will be okay no matter how I may feel. When I’m having a bad day, I know that I will make it through.
Suicide changed my life. It made me and my mother stronger women.
