For the past five years of my life, I have been nothing but ashamed of my illness. I told no one. I didn't even tell my teachers and because they didn't know, they couldn't help me and my grades suffered. I kept secrets from my parents and didn't tell them until things got to their absolute worse. I'm tired of being ashamed of my illness. I am tired of hiding. I am never going to be one of the people who post everything on social media, and it honestly bothers me when people do. But I believe it's time for me to come out and say: it's OK to not be OK.
I've been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but it's not as simple as that definition. It's mixed with some other phobias and anxiety traits. Why was I ashamed? Because daily I hear people talk about how bad their anxiety is. But most of the time, the anxiety they are facing is what can be defined as, "a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome" by dictonary.com. However, dictonary.com also defines the anxiety I face as "a nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks"
My anxiety never goes away. I rarely have a moment of peace of mind. My anxiety is not just before a presentation, test or date. It is crippling and makes it hard for me to even leave my room and get to work or class. I cannot make phone calls without a panic attack. My emails have to be proofread three to four times before I send them. I have a hard time expressing my ideas out loud or with a group. With a group with people I haven't been around before, I usually shut down or try to remove myself. I have triggers I constantly have to avoid. I can't go to malls or movie theaters at certain times of day. I have to avoid certain people. I have to carry my emergency medication with me everywhere I go. I am struggling with it every day. Writing is my outlet, and I am even struggling with this right now. I struggle with so much and have to fight every day to try to come across as a normal 19-year-old, and it's so incredibly hard. This is my first time actually admitting I have something wrong. The only people who knew were my doctors, parents, boyfriend and best friend. But I need to admit I have a mental illness.
I need to let people know that yes, I have GAD, but I am no longer ashamed. I want to be able to stand up and say, "Stop using anxiety so lightly and flaunting your "illness" on social media." I want to be able to stand up and tell everyone who is quietly struggling it's going to be OK. It's OK to mention it to your professors, it's OK to let the school know. You are no less of a person, and you aren't going to be treated in some weird special way. Letting them know will let them help you when you struggle. Let them help you. You deserve help. You deserve the world.
This is me standing up and admitting I am not OK, and that is OK. This is me standing up and admitting that I need help sometimes. This is me asking everyone to stop throwing around the words anxiety, bipolar, depression so lightly. I'm asking everyone to stop adding in crazy with those words. Those with mental illness aren't crazy or special, we are people who sometimes just need a little extra help.
No matter what you think, having a disorder isn't cool or fun. It's awful and it's a monster. Claiming to have one for the attention is not OK. Stop romanticizing all of it and stop throwing it around like it's nothing. If people can stop doing that, maybe more people can come out and say I'm not ashamed anymore, I'm not OK and that's OK.
To those struggling, breathe. Take it one day at a time. It's going to get better and it's going to take time. If you would've told 14-year-old me where I am now, I wouldn't have believed you. Things are not 100 percent OK, but wow, are they better. Keep your chin up and remember it's OK to not be OK, and it's OK to reach out.
