It's back.

It’s crazy because a second ago, it seemed like we were doing fine. We were out having one of the best moments in our lives. We were actually laughing and enjoying ourselves. Our loved ones thought that we were better; that we could live a normal life after all this time.

We thought we could be the happy people in the pictures where in that moment in time, we felt as if we had our whole lives ahead of us and so why shouldn’t we just enjoy this moment in time. We wanted to have that care-free happy feeling forever, and after doing so well for so long, we really thought we could achieve that. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out like that.

It’s an eerie feeling.

You start to feel yourself becoming less connected with the world around you. Everything you do seems to take twice the energy. Getting out of bed some mornings is physically impossible. People try to intervene by asking how you're doing and offering their help. You know it’s just because they care about you; so when you feel overwhelmed by their intervention, feelings of guilt usually follows.

The worst part is that you know those people are right. You know you should be taking the help they offer you. You know that one of the best things you can do for yourself is force yourself out of the slum you’ve fallen in. Doing that takes a lot of effort and it takes even more effort when we’ve fallen into another batch of depression.

Remember that it’s okay to just recollect yourself.

It can be hard to admit that it’s back especially after we feel like we’ve tried and done everything we were supposed to do to prevent it from coming back. It can feel like all of the hard work and stress we went through in order to get better was ultimately for nothing.

Sometimes we need to spend some time alone to realize what’s happening. The fear of going to the same place we had just gotten ourselves out of is enough to actually expedite the process of relapsing. This is why when you feel it coming on, it’s okay to want to take that day off to allow yourself to catch up. If it’s already gotten to the nitty gritty, it’s also okay to give in to it for a bit- just to relieve the pressure we might be feeling to do all of the things we were told to do if it ever came back.

It’s a catch-22 though.

By relieving yourself of the anxiety that comes with forcing yourself to function ‘normally’, you also risk the chance of falling even deeper into the state you’ve found yourself in. How do you draw the line between what’s beneficial and what’s self-destructive in terms of letting yourself relax?

The answer is no one can really draw a line.

Each person will handle their situation differently. However, I think that by trying to understand ourselves better, we can individually work out ways to alleviate whatever mental distress we might be experiencing.

It can be overwhelming to self-evaluate especially when we’re already in a bad place. It might remind us of all of the things we should have done or maybe shouldn't have done. But without that acknowledgement of our emotions, thoughts, responsibilities, and behaviors, it can be even more difficult to identify what has led us to the point we’re at. And then, what else are we supposed to do if there’s no trigger that we can work to prevent or cope with before it overwhelms us?

I think this is why it’s especially hard for those with depression who start to relapse for no apparent reason. In this case, even with extensive evaluations, it's impossible to identify what we need to look out for to prevent us from spiraling back into a horrible state of depression.

In this case, the best thing anyone can do is be aware of their emotions and thoughts. By actively acknowledging how we feel and how we function everyday, it makes it easier to predict when a relapse might occur or even just how our mental health is impacting our ability to work.

For me, I was noticing that despite putting in hours and hours of studying every night, I still wasn’t picking up on the material. I tired removing all possible distractions and I experimented with different ways to study. I still found myself unable to focus and unable to recall the information I had just written down.

This was the first sign that a relapse was in the making.

I started making weekly appointments for multiple forms of therapy. I disclosed to my mom and my boyfriend about how I was feeling. My friends were aware that I was having a hard time. I worked to manage my responsibilities in order to prevent the build-up of things to do that could potentially overwhelm me to the point of breaking.

You would think that by taking all of these preventative measures that my relapse would be successfully prevented.

It wasn’t.

I feel like if I hadn’t been struggling with my mental health for so long, this would have seriously hurt me. Being in college and going through a relapse for the first time all at once can be an enormously distressing situation. But because I’ve gone through relapses before, I’ve learned how to handle the emotional toll it takes on you.

I know that this is ultimately how my life is and there’s only so much I can do to help. In this most recent case, I did exactly what I was supposed to do. Historically, this didn’t impact the severity of my relapse, but this time was a bit different.

This time, I may have relapsed, but I found a positive side to it that I have never experienced before.

I found myself able to manage my self-destructive behaviors, unrealistic negative thoughts, and my tendencies to give in to maladaptive activities. By using the techniques I learned from cognitive-behavioral therapy this past semester, I was able to better control the relapse and was more capable of functioning while going through a lot of mental distress.

Basically, I’m doing okay despite relapsing.

That’s the most important part.

For me, the fact that I’ve shown progress this time as opposed to what happened before proves that that I’m not only getting better, but that I’m capable of achieving goals I never thought I could.

It’s not even major occurrences that have helped me realize this. It’s the little things like only slightly withdrawing from my friends when I used to completely cut them off with no warning, or the fact that I’ve been able to recover from the dip in my grades when I used to not be able to.

There are still those really, really bad days where existence itself is almost unbearable.

Those are the days where I can’t get out of bed because I don’t have the energy to physically sit up. Those are the days where I hardly eat anything because my appetite has disappeared. Those are the days where talking to anyone only makes me more anxious and upset.

This time, the difference is that those days don’t linger on and on.

This time, I don’t let them.

I’ve learned to stay in tune to how I’m feeling and what needs to be done so that it doesn’t get worse. I reroute the negative thoughts into realistic ones. Those realistic thoughts start a chain reaction and help me function despite the absence of motivation or energy.

It’s not easy and it took me a long time to get to where I am.

I guess my point is that if you’re struggling with a similar situation, know that it’s going to work out. I know that’s cliche, but it’s true. Relapses are generally worse than the onset of the issue, making many people question if it’s worth it to keep trying.

It is.

It takes a long time and it takes a lot of hard work. To be able to function even in some of the lowest points in your life, you do need to put in the effort. It seems impossible sometimes and there are times when it is. But if you can pick out the times where you don’t feel as bad as you did before and you seize that opportunity to break the cycle, you’ll find that relapses become more and more manageable.

This might sound insensitive or unrealistic as if I live in some perfect world where I can just ‘overcome anything’, but from my personal experience, it’s the only real way to get better. I get that each situation is different, but as someone who has a long history of mental health issues and as someone who has become pretty educated on mental health, implementing these kinds of cognitive-behavioral elements into one's life is generally the most effective form of treatment.

From my experience, I've learned that balancing the things I can't control with the things I can has helped me manage not only my depression, but also my panic disorder and anxiety. I've been on numerous medications, and they helped in moderation, but I've found that using skills from therapy has worked best.

Medications are typically meant to break the biochemical cycle that reinforces our poor mood so that we can physically function. However, putting in the work to reconstruct our minds as cognitive-behavioral therapy does plants the seed for long term recovery.

And that’s the main goal. To be better for it next time until we are eventually just that...better.