Sometimes you fall asleep when thinking of what to write. Sometimes your boyfriend writes a satirical article while you are asleep and it is just too funny not to share with the world. Here is that article. All credit goes to Thad Van Hiel.
There she is in her room. It is dusk and Manny Manpurse is meeting her for the movies in an hour. This is prime time. The clock ticks and Lindsey Lipgloss only has 59 minutes to apply her makeup. She reaches up to apply, BUT WAIT! Her lips are not luscious! Thank the good lord the Kylie Jenner lip trend has gone viral! Lindsey Lipgloss races to the kitchen and selects the finest cup available in her humble abode. She adheres it to her lips, inhales and then........BOOM! Thunder strikes and the cup smashes to the floor. Lindsey's lips have ballooned up to the size of Kim Kardashians ego and she's ready to apply that gloss.
There is a crucial question now. As Lindsey Lipgloss is wearing a nice pink dress and her lips, that are naturally light, compliment the dress very well. She has 50 shades of pink in her gloss bag. To wear or not to wear. That is the question. Tis it nobler to display those puffy natural lips or to take arms against a sea of lipstick, and put it on. A light broke through a window down yonder and reflected off her now swollen lips and thats when she knew. Tonight was a red lipstick kind of night. She began to apply her makeup meticulously and gracefully as if she was Michelangelo and her lips were an untouched chapel in the Apostolic Palace. Van Gogh like strokes were followed by a swift Mike Tyson like punch. Aside from the fact that both men shared a distinct hatred for ears, they truly have nothing in common.
Anyway, back to Lindsey. The lipstick was finished, and Lindsey Lipgloss stared in awe as she realized her lips had shrunk back to normal size and her lipstick now covered not only her lips, but her entire face. This was worse than an Elton John wardrobe malfunction. How could this happen to her, she was a queen! Just as she began to cry she noticed a candle in the wind. She closed her window to keep the wind from blowing it out. Lindsey washed her makeup off through tear soaked eyes and began the process again. She picked up a pink lipgloss and immediately discarded it quicker than Hillary discarding emails refrencing Bengazi and built a wall to keep the other pink lipsticks out. Lindsey grabbed the red lipstick and reapplied swiftly and accurately.
Thunder struck and her prince arrived through purple rain. He rang the bell. With a sigh of relief Lindsey finished her lipstick just in time and put it down.
Mannie Manpurse walked in. "Lindsey are you ok, Lindsey are you ok, are you ok Lindsey?"
He asked. He then decided to change his black man purse to a white one, as he was wearing a light colored tie. Lindsey replied that she was fine and began her journey down the stairs. It was on the journey that she realized as long as she does't stop believing she will always be able to apply her makeup onetime. Mannie met her at the bottom of the stairs and they lived happily ever after.
The End!
Just kidding, Brett Favre here and I'm back.
The End.
Just kidding! Back again! Oh Brett! Anyway, lets move on to this first date. Lindsey noticed Mannie was wearing a Bon Jovi shirt as she asked how far away they were.
He replied "Oh, we're half way there."
Lindsey replied, "cool beans," and they continued to drive.
OH NO! The restaurant Mannie selected was closed. He asked Lindsey where she wanted to go. She said "Take me down to Paradise city, I hear the grass is green and the girls are pretty." Mannie liked the idea and they we're on the road again. Mannie waved to a girl he knew named Monica as they passed into town. Lindsey jumped up and questioned Mannie.
"Mannie are you cheating on me with Monica!?"
Mannie said "I did not have any relations with that women. And call me Bill."
Bill was his middle name. Bill clean up his act quicker than the sham wow guy. Lindsey turned on Rihanna and Bill changed it to Chris brown. They went back and forth, she ripped his ray rice jersey and after 1 case and some elevator footage Bill was right next to the sham wow guy in San Quinten. But it's ok. Bill was a swimmer at Harvard and he felt bad so he got off in just a few short months.
What an awful first date. Bill cut his hair, threw on some skinny jeans and asked if it was too late now to say sorry. It was. She'd been hit by, she'd be struck by, a smooth criminal. Lindsey said she knew he was trouble when he walked in. Now she was living the single life. Lindsey reflected on the events that had just occurred and came to a wise conclusion that seemed to stand out in all this. It was almost too obvious. We need to bring the troops home. Thats what this whole story was about.
The End.
