My whole life I've heard "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." but I was never taught what to do when life hands you fire.
I was 8 when a tiny little flame was lit. After months of not knowing what was wrong I was labeled with ADHD, OCD, and ADD. I was in and out of doctor's offices, therapists' offices and on and off medicine until the time i was in 10th grade.
I was 15 when the flame grew bigger and I started to feel lonely and uncomfortable with who I was. Self-harm became the answer to all my problems not knowing that this only made the fire burn brighter. In a matter of months I poured gasoline on the fire adding an eating disorder to the mix. Every day I spent trapped in this disease was another gallon of gasoline dumped on the fire. The fire burned through me until I was no longer a person, I was a fire. A smoking tower of hidden pills, calorie content, and bracelets up to my elbow. I was burning with heart palpitations and exhaustion beyond what the average nap could cure. I wasn't a human anymore I was a walking ghost. Blue finger nails, brittle hair, shivering under layers and layers of clothes, and an abundance of lies was all that I had become, and every time I refused to eat, every time I was lonely and took it out on myself was only fuel to a never ending fire. I didn't realize that I was burning myself to death until I was hooked up to an IV filled with liquid nutrition and life. I didn't believe I was sick enough even though death's door was only a knock away. The labels of ADHD and ADD were taken away and replaced with a severe anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder as if those could give me more comfort. 3 months was spent in a partial hospitalization program treating anorexia and anxiety and depression. The fire didn't get put out completely and I can honestly say that I am not sure if it ever will. But life handed me fire, and I never knew how to handle a fire. I keep going back and burning myself. Every time I look at the calories in this or the calories in that, every time I step on the scale, is gas on a fire that I was never prepared to handle.
So what do you do when life hands you fire?
You fight it.
You may not know how to fight it, you may be lost in the smoke struggling to breathe but it will never be too late to fight it. I never learned how to handle the fires of life, so when a fire was thrown at me I had no idea what to do so I fed it.
If I learned anything from this fire it is that when life hands you fire, it is not an excuse to give up. It is an excuse to come back stronger.
My fire does not define me, but I define where I go from here. My fire in life still burns me every day but I know now that when life hands you fire you cannot simply stand still. You have to take life and run with it.
