To The Toxic Relationship I Was Afraid To Let Go Of

To The Toxic Relationship I Was Afraid To Let Go Of

To my younger self... I'm sorry.
4184
views

As time goes on the question that echoes in my mind is: "why?" Why did I let someone who was so undeserving have my love, time, and affection?

We all like to think that we have what it takes to mend the damage someone carries, but the fact of the matter is we don't. Hurt people, hurt people – and it was only when I tried to heal a bruised heart mine became the one in trouble. When you're young, vulnerable and under someone's spell you don't realize that you shouldn't have to rip yourself apart to keep someone else whole. I was scared of losing someone I didn't really have and I thought it was better to have someone halfway than not at all.

The irony of it all is that I grew up in a healthy environment. I have two parents who love my sister, each other, and myself unconditionally. They practice the same values they preach, some of which being loyalty, forgiveness, and how important it is to love each other despite the flaws that consume us. Those values were engraved so deep in my heart and soul I couldn't recognize when enough was enough or when to pull back and that just because I displayed these traits didn't mean they would be reciprocated. It took me a while to figure out I had to draw the line of determination from desperation.

It was a bittersweet realization when I looked up from my treacherous journey only to see it led me to a dead end, but I have never felt so liberated.

There's no denying I came out of the storm a different person and most definitely with a different heart. There were so many important lessons learned, both good and bad but the one thing that's for certain is it took me getting lost to find myself. You don't fully understand what you deserve until you experience something you don't. I learned the importance of self-worth and how crucial it is to not beat yourself up over the "coulda, shoulda, woulda's." I learned that in order to love someone, you have to start with yourself.

I know I'm not the only one who experienced this and I know I'm not the only one who wanted to figure it out on my own terms, but what I do know is that no one deserves it. I'm in my twenties now and still unsure of the actual meaning of love, but I know with absolute certainty that what I felt then was not it. I have so much growing, learning, and experiencing to do – and I fully intend on taking only those who deserve to be with me on my journey. No more and no less.

Everyone's story is different but the one thing they have in common is that we get to decide whom we share our stories with and how they make us feel. You never know which page your story will end with, so make sure it would be one you would be happy with. I urge every single one of you to rid yourself of people who do more harm than good. Life isn't forever.

Cover Image Credit: Thought Catalog

Popular Right Now

An Open Letter To The Boy I Never Dated

Thanks for the memories.
11747
views

Dear Boy I Never Dated,

You know who you are. I just want to get a couple things off my chest.

First, I want to say thank you. Thank you for being my friend, my ally, and at one point an important part of my life. Despite the fact that our relationship never went past the friend stage, I will never regret the time I spent with you or the memories we made. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, so we were meant to be in each other's lives. Sure, I could go on and say that you missed out, how I'm an awesome person and all that stuff but that wouldn't do anything. We're both awesome people. Us never being a couple could never take away from that.

Honestly, I still consider us to be friends no matter where life takes us. I'm only one text or Snapchat away.

I do want to make one thing clear: I've moved on. I don't care what you've thought in the past or what you've been told, I'm seriously over it. I've been over it, despite what you think. I'm over everything; the pointless drama, the rumors, the over-thinking, and the self-doubt. I no longer care that you weren't interested in me in "that way." Honestly, this all went down so long ago that I don't even remember everything that happened.

I've met new people, had new experiences, and grew as a person. You've even noticed that I've changed. I'm the not the same girl that pined for you all those years ago. I care about you, obviously, but I know where we stand. Neither one of us needs to deal with the what-ifs or maybe-some-days. We both deserve loving committed relationships where the person you're with is 100% invested in you and vice versa. So maybe I am a text away, but that doesn't mean I'm available anymore.

If there's one thing about people that can get you down is that we're always disappointing. Either we're disappointing other people or disappointing ourselves. It is way too easy to break your own heart. I was guilty of that I think. I got too optimistic and thought we were on some path to greatest when in reality we were just two young kids that enjoyed spending time together. When things didn't go in my favor, I probably placed the blame on you because I was upset.

It took time for me to reflect and finally accept that I wasn't perfect, either. Now, I don't think anyone was at fault. Whether it was bad timing, lack of compatibility, or maybe lack of maturity neither one of one did anything wrong. At the time, it seemed so horrible that we never even tried but when I look back it's not a big deal.

To be completely honest, I'm now glad we never dated. There is no more resentment, bitterness, or pettiness. I don't think there was any to begin with, but I apologize if there was. Our lives may be going toward separate paths, but they're both paths of greatest. I'm completely, absolutely happy with where I am in life and all I can say is that I wish the same for you. When our paths do cross again someday, I'll be more than happy to see you.

With (platonic) love,

The Girl You Never Dated


Cover Image Credit: freestocks.org

Related Content

Connect with a generation
of new voices.

We are students, thinkers, influencers, and communities sharing our ideas with the world. Join our platform to create and discover content that actually matters to you.

Learn more Start Creating

Poetry On Odyssey: The Wolf

"Some girls are full of heartache and poetry and those are the kind of girls who try to save wolves instead of running away from them" -Nikita Gill

209
views

You were the wolf

The one I should've ran away from

When your ugly howls tried to scold

The imagination strung so boldly

Inside my mind

That you tried to find

You were the wolf

The one I tried to tame

With love and care and shame

But just like all the rest you feasted on my kindness

Like fresh meat after a long winter's blindness

You dug into me with your teeth

As painful as a fire's heath

And I fell over bleeding

And you started feeding

My heart still beating

You launched one last time

And crime was in the shadows of my eyes

You cared none

You were done

The last strike

Showed me dislike

Deep inside that heart of spikes

As I began to sit up

And cover myself in makeup

I was fine

Except my heart was not mine

You took what could never be retrieved

Something that never would've been relieved

By the darkness you left inside me

So take my heart and smash it to smithereens

Because there is no way in hell I'd want that thing

Back inside me.

Related Content

Facebook Comments