To some, this word may mean a way that people take their lives. To others, it may mean how their loved one died. To me, it means more than a word. It is a feeling, it is pain, it is so much more.
Suicide isn't just this new phase everyone is going through. Suicide is death of loved ones. You may not know them but someone did. In the past 3 years, I have had two friends take their lives. I have lived through the questions that never get answered. I live through the pain of someone dying too soon. I have sat numerous nights wondering when i'll be able to talk to them again. I have cried tears and shouted my pain. For people who thought they were never good enough to be here. Never worthy of love from anyone.
And then, there is the time where I wanted to take my own life. Where I sat at my desk and felt everything that my friends must have felt. The thoughts that they had thought. I sat at my desk and thought of everyone I would write to that hurt me. Remembered all the names i was called, all the pain that people put me through, all the times I was put in a situation where i wasn't good enough. But then I got to my family. How do you explain, someone hurt you so bad that no one could save you? How do you put into words how much love you have for them and that you hope this will pass and they will move on with their life? Luckily, I hit that wall and it stopped me. But I can't say the same to the friends i held so dear.
To hear the word suicide now, is a constant wave of emotion and recognition. What would they have said to you? What were your last words? Why didn't they come to you? You let them know you would always be there for them, right? Could you have been the one to save them? Did you miss signs, were they right in front of you?
The answers to these will always be unanswered to a point. I will never be able to know if i could have said something, to keep them here with me. I will never know what they might have said to me before they left. I will never know why they didn't come to me, even after i told them over and over i will always be here for them. All I will know is the hole that remains from the loss of the memories you will no longer share. I can't laugh with him again, I can't kiss him again, I can't cry to him again, and I can't love them both again.
When you hear someone has taken their life, take a moment to think of the family and hope they can get through this. Think of their friends that have just lost someone they leaned on. Think of all they left behind, and remember everyone had a purpose. Suicide isn't a word to toss in the air. Suicide isn't an easy topic to discuss. And please, if it ever crosses your mind, talk to someone first.
I will never go a day where I can safely think of them and not tear up. I will never go a day where I think they were better off this way. If you don't know someone who has taken their life, consider yourself blessed.
I will be here for anyone, anytime, anywhere. I know that pain and I have sat on both sides of this terrible roller coaster. This isn't a pain that should be felt alone. Call 1-800-273-8255 if any of these thoughts cross your mind, or please tell a friend. Someone will miss you and someone will hurt.
Love Always,
-Heidi
