I guess i'll start off by saying this isn't easy for me. I don't share often about this part of my life for reasons of my own. I've lost both my father and my cousin to suicide within a few years. Going through these two losses, I've learned a lot about suicide, about the world, about our society, and about myself. First off, no one knows the right thing to say, so usually they don't say anything at all. It's not an easy topic, and I understand that, believe me. It's something that everyone knows about, but when they hear the word, a part of them kind of quivers.

I've learned that no matter how much you try to understand why, you will never know. You will never completely understand why someone took their life. You will not be able to rewind back in time to get an explanation and talk to them. So when someone says, "You know why he/she did it," or "I heard he/she did it because..." you have to take a step back and realize that they have no idea what was running through that person's head in that moment. It's toxic to go over the possible reasons of why it happened in your mind. I know because I have done that, especially in the beginning. Getting caught up in these thoughts just sets you backward in the grieving process which can only do harm.

As for society, it seems that even the word suicide makes people shift in their seats because it's too uncomfortable. No one really knows how to handle the topic, especially in schools. I was in 5th grade when I lost my father and I went back to school after everything had happened because my mom knew that if I had put off school even a little, I would never want to go back. I was walking down the hall to my classroom and overheard my teacher in front of the whole class say, "Now she may or may not want to talk about it so please don't say anything to her." I understand that I was 10 years old, and my teacher wanted to make sure that none of my peers would make me upset, but why did she have to say something in front of my entire class... As if that day wasn't hard enough? The school's efforts to help me had a polar opposite effect and instead made me stand out even more so. They had even pulled me out of class in the middle of the day to talk. You need to understand that I've always been the type of person to not want attention or eyes on me. I had certainly not wanted my whole school to know. I had not wanted to be pulled out of class that day. I was doing okay on my own. However since I was young, they assumed what I needed even though they never asked me what I wanted. People will always assume what you need when you seem like you're in a bad place. Only you know what you need, and only you can make that happen.

Over the years I've learned to accept what I lost. I've come to see that I can't bring them back, and blaming myself doesn't help anything, or anyone. I want everyone to understand that it's of the utmost importance to remember the person you lost for their soul, the amazing things they've done, and their great capacity to love; not to remember them for the way they left this world because that is not what defines them. The way they left is not who they were. I will never know the depth of the internal battles they fought, and that is okay.

My mom and I now both have semicolon tattoos to remind us that every day with the people we love is a blessing, and it also stands as a reminder to keep advocating for the support of those suffering with suicide and any mental health issues they may face.