Suicide is gross. It is sad. It is scary. It hurts.
There I said it. Suicide changes everything. It takes a life and it brings pain to everyone who knows that person.
I am not judging you for your thought. I am not judging you for your feelings. I am not judging you for your belief that you aren't worthy.
But, you need to hear this.
Your thoughts and feelings are real. You know that because they consume you. They take over every part of your life. They're in every breath that you breathe. They have become a part of you, but they aren't you. They do not define you and they are not the truth.
Just because something rules your life does not mean it defines your life.
Just because something rules your life does not mean it always has to rule your life.
Those thoughts, they won't go away overnight. The process of getting rid of them is messy, it is long, and it is hard. It is weeks of sessions one on one and in group settings, it is medicine, it is art or exercise, it is changing your diet, it is telling people you love. It is accepting that you have something going on in your brain that is making you ill and saying that you matter enough to yourself to fix it.
The truth is — you are broken. It's hard to admit and it sounds so wrong to say but you are.
Things that are broken need to be mended.
There needs to be acceptance. There needs to be healing. There needs to be fullness.
That thought that suicide will be better than any breath you take on this earth doesn't have to stay with you forever.
Suicide will make you a statistic. You are not a statistic. You are, though, loved, whole, worthy, and your life does have meaning. You're reading this and thinking "none of this matters," but it does. It matters that you read this with an open mind because everything that you see and think is filtered through a brain that is hurting. Your thoughts and actions are being selected by something that isn't functioning the way it was made to.
You need to know that there is something wrong with the way you feel. You're accepted and loved, but those thoughts that you aren't enough for this earth is wrong. Those thoughts that the world would be better off without you is skewed. The thought that your family and friends would have more happiness with you dead is a lie.
You need to be healed.
Not only do you need to be healed, but you deserve to be healed. You might not realize it and it will be months, maybe even years before you do, but you deserve healing. Your brokenness is worthy of being mended.
Do what you need to, but do not leave this earth.
You are wanted here.