I am a practicing Buddhist. Yes, I'm that annoying person whose house always smells like those stores in the mall that sell swords, hoodies that look hand-woven but probably aren't, and hemp jewelry. Why would a white American college student practice Buddhism? Simple: the teachings of the Buddha have helped me overcome some of the greatest struggles I've ever had to endure. Keeping those teachings in mind has aided me in my efforts to manage my PTSD, keep a level head when my job at a fast food place makes me want to tear my hair out, and most importantly, it has helped me forgive those who have wronged me.
There is a central concept of Buddhism that everyone is familiar with, and that is the concept of karma; good karma, bad karma, everyone has heard of it. At least in the Buddhist tradition that I practice, intentional decisions we make will impact our cycle of rebirth. I believe this to be true. However, I don't like karma. More specifically, I don't like bad karma. I believe it exists, just as good karma does, but I do not agree with it. My reasoning?
My high school bullies.
I was bullied all throughout my childhood and adolescence to the point where I was suicidal at times. Recent events, namely, the shooting in Parkland have made me think deeply about my high school experience. Once a school shooting occurs, fingers are pointed in all sorts of directions to try and find a reason why such a tragedy would occur. Gun control, mental illness, and bullying are all topics of debate. I am of the belief that it is ease of access to firearms that contributes the most to these tragedies, but that is not what this piece is about.
My mom never kept guns in the house. Ever. But if she had, would I have taken my revenge and shot the people who made my life a living hell?
No. I wouldn't have.
Chances are, the first and only person I would have used a firearm on would have been myself.
As much pain as I was in at the time, and as heavy as the weight of that pain is even today, I still would not wish harm to those who caused it to me. My mom always tells me, "Those people will get their just rewards. I promise." But I don't want that. What kind of person would I be if I wanted those people to suffer? I would be no better than they are.
If I got the chance to confront my bullies now, my first question to them wouldn't be, "So how was it, peaking in high school?" (as satisfying as that would be to ask). My first question would be one word: why?
Why did you think it was okay to say, "Go kill yourself." to someone? Why was I the one you thought deserved to be treated like shit? What did I ever do to make you hate me? Because no one says the kinds of things that you said to someone they don't hate with a passion?
To anyone who once knew me, who might be reading this and thinking it might be about them, chances are it probably is. So I want you to know something.
I don't hate you. I never did. I didn't hate you when I was angry, I didn't hate you when I was sad. I didn't hate you in any of the moments I probably could and should have. I don't want you to suffer. I don't want bad karma to come to you. It pains me to see that for some of you, it already has.
All I want for those who have intentionally hurt me in the past is to see that they have changed for the better. I want to know that they regret what they did because it was wrong, not because karma has come knocking. I have learned to be kind because I know how it feels to be the victim of someone else's cruelty. I want the same for the people who committed those acts of cruelty.
