What if my car's brakes go out on a country backroad, I crash into a light pole, have to be airlifted to a hospital three hours away, where I am induced into a coma, then never wake up?
Okay ... maybe that is a little much. Heck, maybe it's not enough. But for someone who lives with anxiety, a thought like this is a daily occurrence. And maybe not even a daily (perhaps hourly) occurrence. It's come to my attention lately that there's a stigma surrounding this little thing we call anxiety. Where it comes from, how it affects people who have it, and just how strong it really can be are all very misunderstood concepts.
To begin, anxiety isn't just a fear here and there. It is a battle with your own brain - a battle that seems never-ending until you finally reach that certain point when you realize you are fed up with trying to convince yourself of certain things, or, in many cases, trying not to convince yourself of certain things. Anxiety is far more than a "what if?" thought. Anxiety presents itself in many ways, shapes, forms, and thoughts. It can eventually manifest physically, much like any other kind of disease.
Another misconception about anxiety is that those thoughts, concerns, feelings, and doubts aren't normal. This couldn't be further from the truth. The thoughts people who suffer from anxiety have are actually the same thoughts that a lot of other people have who don't classify themselves as "anxious" or "worrisome." The reality is: anxious people take those thoughts, and our brains twist them, and make ourselves believe in them wholeheartedly.
These could be thoughts ranging from what you're going to eat today, and if what you chose to eat will give you food poisoning and perhaps you eventually discover you have a rare form of cancer. It could even be thoughts like, "What if my boyfriend or family member who just jumped in the car to make a quick trip to the store gets in a horrendous car wreck and can't be saved?" Yeah, I'm so serious.
Living with anxiety is like trying to convince yourself each and every day that life will be okay. That things will work out the way they are supposed to. That whatever is revealed in our brain isn't actually always accurate or the truth. That the thoughts and concerns we have are valid, yet some aren't worth giving that energy and attention to.
Anxiety is assuming the worst case scenario when your dad has to have another checkup appointment at the doctor's office.
Anxiety is clenching your teeth and rehearsing answers to questions before a big interview, even though you know you've prepared as much as humanly possible.
Anxiety is comparing yourself to others, in the unhealthiest way possible.
Anxiety is knowing exactly how to turn your airplane seat into a floating device, even when no one actually listens to those instructions.
Anxiety is searching and searching for the one medicine that will take the edge off, and trying every kind the market has to offer, only to discover they all make you a little crazier than you ever thought possible.
Anxiety is relying on said pill to make you feel even one ounce of normalcy.
Anxiety is Googling your back spasms you've been having, only to find out you probably have a really rare muscle disease that will shorten your life by twenty years.
Anxiety is a daily battle, a quarrel with our own selves, and even we can't say who will win.
I guess if I've learned one thing from living with anxiety, it's this: you are in control of your own thoughts. YOU are able to change your thinking more so than anyone else will be able to. And YOU are the only one standing in your way. While a prescription can seem like the easiest way out, or even the best way to handle your anxiety, believe me when I say I've found other ways to be just as beneficial, if not more helpful.
Yoga and meditation relax your mind and body, giving your mental and physical self the chance to be in sync with one another. Things like tea, Nerve Tonic, journaling, and coloring have all been proven to decrease anxiety ... and all are things I can completely endorse.
I think it is probably worth noting that anxiety may have something to do with a little thing called self-esteem. This is not to say some doubts, fears, and worries aren't valid ... some definitely are. But perhaps we spend too much time worrying about what will go wrong instead of focusing on what will go right. Perhaps we forget to look and remind ourselves that we are stronger than that, braver than that, better than that.
Perhaps anxiety is really just pointing us to the underlying issue: love for ourselves. By taking the time out of your day to love yourself, respect yourself, and affirm yourself that you are worthy of your own love, anxiety can be diminished. Maybe that's just my opinion, maybe that's just what I've learned. But I would much rather look in the mirror everyday knowing I did something for myself that reaffirmed how worthy I am of my own love, than rely on a medicine bottle to tell me that.
Don't get me wrong - medicine is helpful ... for some people. But it's certainly not for everyone. And it certainly wasn't for me. In fact, the day I stopped taking my anxiety medication, I could already tell a difference. I was negative 300 milligrams of a medication, and a whole lot more positive me.
Anxiety may not be something I have completely tackled and overcome just yet, but I think letting other people know they aren't alone, that their fears and doubts are valid and are okay, can really save someone. Because anxiety is a nasty thing, doubt is a nasty thing, but feeling normal, feeling like you are just a regular person living your regular life with people who have the same regular thoughts as you ... that's pretty awesome.
"Doubt can be a bond as powerful and sustaining as certainty. When you are lost, you are not alone." - Doubt
