It's constantly there. There is no break. I'm constantly worrying about the possible and impossible. It's like a virus that won't go away.

Anxiety is defined as emotional distress and apprehension caused by discomfort from met or unmet needs.

Just to give you an idea, here are just a few of the thoughts that run through my head each and every day.

1. They are mad at me.

2. They are talking about me.

3. They didn't answer the phone, so of course, they must be dead.

4. I'm doing this wrong, and everyone is judging me.

5. They will never forgive me.

6. I haven't talked to them in a while, they must hate me now.

7. I'm a failure at everything.

8. I'm in trouble.

These are just a few of the thoughts that race around in my head everyday. Sure medication helps a little bit, but it is still there. No amount of therapy or dosage of Lexapro seems to help me at some points. I don't think I even have a normal heart beat. I think my heart always beats faster than others'. Anxiety takes over my life, even though I don't want it to. I try to fight it, but it likes to take me by surprise me and tackle me.

When I was a little girl, I would wake up with blood on my pillow. I would always be confused until I went into my bathroom and looked in the mirror. I would look at my ear or both ears and there would be scratches all over them. While I was asleep, I would scratch my ears so hard that they would bleed. Even when I was basically unconscious, I would be worrying about something!

When I moved away from home to go to college, I knew my anxiety would have a ball. I constantly worried that I would throw up (honestly, one of my biggest fears) or that my family would die while I was away. I definitely had to calm myself down on very regular occasions. I met my best friend, and she is basically my mom. She would notice when my anxiety was getting out of control and would tell me to take deep breaths and relax. Somehow, this always worked.

I wouldn't wish anxiety or any other type of mental disorder on my worst enemy. It is debilitating. I try so hard to not let it get into every thought and activity I do, but it always finds itself a way in. I always wish I could stay in bed all day and not deal with any dangers or people who may harm or judge me. However, I push through and do not stay in bed all day.

Have you ever tried to push a vacuum through a shag rug? It is so hard! You sometimes have to push as hard as you can to get it to go through the rug without getting caught or stuck in the fibers of the rug. That's what anxiety is like. You have to push through the "fibers of the rug" in order to live your life. You have to push through the evil, negative, depressing thoughts. It is hard, and sometimes you have to push harder than other times, but you'll make it through.

Anxiety,

I hate you. You hold me back, but you can't and you won't win. I am stronger than you are, and stronger than you will ever become. I worry way too much, and am so tired of it.

Sincerely,

Me