"Why are you so quiet?"
Because I live everyday-life like this. Fear. Apprehension. Avoidance. Fear that I might say something wrong. I'm worrying about others' disapproval. I'm afraid of rejection, of not fitting in. I'm anxious to enter the conversation, but I'm afraid I won't have anything to say. I hide what's wrong with me deep inside, by putting up a defensive wall. I'm very awkward meeting new people. I'm not rude, I just don't want to embarrass myself so I keep quiet.
Very few people understand the agonizing and traumatic depth of social anxiety. I try to hide it from people, as if they don't notice me biting my finger nails or desperately check my phone. I'll wait hours to use the bathroom because if I get up during class everyone will look at me. I'd like to go get another drink but I'll wait until someone else gets up first. It's little things like this that make my days so difficult. Why can't I just get up and go to the bathroom? It isn't like I'm the only person in the world who uses one.
Public speaking is my worst enemy. Presenting a project or giving a speech makes my stomach turn in ways I can't describe. Standing in front of a room of people, all eyes on me? NOPE. Not exactly what I like. If I talk too fast they won't be able to understand me. If I talk too slow they will think I don't know what I'm doing. Can they even hear me? Or am I too loud? Is my face red? Yeah, it is I can feel it.
People wonder why I'm so quiet or awkward. Maybe I just feel that no matter what I say, you're going to judge me. I'm sorry I can't make eye contact when we talk. I get nervous and forget my words when I make eye contact.
I'm sorry I can't come to your party. I don't know anyone else going and I'll end up standing by myself. Sometimes it's difficult meeting new people. Crowds of people make me nervous. I'm just so scared that I'll embarrass myself somehow. I always have these thoughts running through my head and I can't control it.
If I say the wrong thing they'll judge me.
They'll think I'm weird.
I don't fit in here.
I love this song! No, don't sing it you'll look stupid.
I look stupid.
It's a feeling that consumes you and it doesn't go away. It's a paralyzing fear of being judged or embarrassed in front of others and it's making it difficult to lead the life I want. Don't get me wrong, I have lots of friends. I can be myself sometimes. A lot of the time I hold back. I'd like to tell that funny joke I saw online, but when I go to tell it I'll get nervous because everyone's looking at me. I'll studder or forget what I was going to say.
To everyone I know, and everyone I'm going to meet:
I'm sorry. I can't help what's going through my head so just bare with me. I'm actually very funny when I can remember the joke. I do want to be apart of your conversation. And don't think I'm weird.
Anxiety is what I have. Not who I am.
