I think I have written, deleted and re-written this article at least 10 times. The cup of tea I made is now cold and neglected on the night stand beside me. How can you describe what it's like to live with a mental illness when you know its frowned upon? I notice how people react whenever I tell them I take an anti-depressant. Sometimes its a nervous laugh with a remark somewhere along the lines of: "You're too happy to be depressed!" Sometimes, people just brush it off and basically tell me I need to stop having a pity-party. Do you know how much I wish I could just "stop"? I mean, sure, the medicine helps, but it can only do so much.
Sadly, a lot of people are uneducated as to what living with mental illness is like. Not a lot of people can relate, unless they suffer from it themselves. So, let me break it down for you.
You are constantly exhausted.
Who cares if you didn't do anything that day but lay in bed? You still feel like you have walked up a hill both ways, barefoot and through the snow.
You want to succeed, but you have no motivation to do so.
I'm always so proud when I can tell my parents about that one paper where I made a 97. Little do they know I spent hours crying, telling myself I couldn't do it, and contemplating dropping out of school because making good grades doesn't come as easily for me as a lot of people.
You know people will talk.
"There's no way she's depressed." "I think she's just faking it." "Everyone says they are depressed, so, what's so different about you?" "Just stop stressing so much!" "You should really quit whining, you know. A lot of people have it worse than you do."
You want to go out with friends, but when you do, you immediately want to be back at home.
I love my friends. I love being with them. However, I often find myself wishing I was back at home, in my bed.
Even if you feel like you have a great life, you still feel empty.
I know I have people that love me and I love them. But I can't help that I still feel empty sometimes.
You often cancel, so you come off as anti-social.
This goes back to the aforementioned point of going out with friends and wishing you would have stayed home. You don't like canceling on people, but you can't help yourself sometimes. And you hate it.
You panic about things that should be simple.
Such as calling someone, answering the phone, greeting someone, making eye-contact or even being first in line.
Your excuse for your mood is always "I'm just tired."
Tired of feeling tired. Tired of being this way. Tired of having to act like I'm fine when I'm not.
You have to let other people order your food for you sometimes because you are too scared to do it yourself.
I can't tell you how many times I have had my parents order my food for me. However, I have gotten increasingly better at this, even though its extremely difficult.
When someone doesn't respond to your text within a minute you automatically assume you did something terrible.
That dreaded little bubble indicating that someone is typing is the bane of your existence.
For every situation, you can think of at least 30 possible outcomes.
With all of them being horrible. So you proceed with freaking out about the future.
You can't sleep at night so you start thinking about every single thing that you have ever done wrong in your life.
"Hey, me, remember that one time you made yourself look even more stupid?" Ah...good times. Good times.
You worry about "the little things".
Okay, so you have to email a professor about an assignment or do something even simpler, like going to the pharmacy to refill a prescription. No biggie, right? WRONG. Its a very big "biggie".
You feel like people think of you differently whenever they find out about your mental state.
"Oh, great. Now that they know they're going to never talk to me again. I'm going to die alone."
You have mood-swings. Frequently.
I can go from 0 to 100 on the emotional scale real quick.
You have things that can send your anxiety through the roof.
These are called "triggers." I can't tell you how many I have, because I'm sure it's in the 100s, but I can list a few: blood, needles, hospitals, funerals, discussions about the future.
You know when you're about to have an anxiety attack.
You get clammy. You feel like you're about to spill your guts any minute. Your heart-rate sky rockets and you feel like you're going to implode. Your hands get sweaty and you find it hard to breathe.
It's hard making eye-contact.
Which is very unfortunate when you're a journalism student and work in retail like me.
Your hands are never not shaking.
My hands have always shook. Its not like I do it voluntarily, they just seem to have a mind of their own.
You have the lowest self-esteem in the universe.
I am constantly comparing myself to others, and I don't even mean to. I am always asking myself: "Why can't you be as skinny as her?" "Why can't you be as successful as her?" "Why don't you dress as well as that?"
You find comfort in music, characters, TV shows, books, movies...you name it.
There's always that one character we can relate to, that one song that gives us goosebumps, that one feel-good comedy that we know can cheer us up, or that one book that you can never put down.
Even though you're an anxious mess, at least you have a close-knit group of friends, family, and loved ones that keep you sane.
I can't stress this enough. Even though you feel like your world is crashing around you, know that you are loved. You are worth it.
These are only a few of the many things that I deal with on a daily basis. It's a struggle, sometimes, but luckily I have the best support system a girl could ask for. I'm working toward making myself a little happier, day by day. Even though I know that I can't fully rid myself of the depression and the anxiety, at least I can banish it away for a while with happiness and love and kindness and laughter and humbleness. And that, my friends, feels pretty great.