We’ve all heard about it, hell some of us even have it.

But a lot of people who have never experienced a trace of anxiety don’t know the hell we go through. They say to “just relax” and “take a deep breath”, but when you’re on the verge of a mental breakdown or at the height of a severe panic attack, there’s no such thing. They don’t understand that we don’t get to decide when it’s over.

They say that we have the ability to control all psychological behavior, but this is only true when we are mentally stable. Even going into an anxiety attack can be dangerous because no matter how many times you try to talk yourself out of it, it still happens.

I’m going on my 21^st year of life, and my ninth year of having an anxiety disorder. My relatives have it too, but I’m not genetically related to them. Funny how that works, you know? I’m not afraid to come out and say it—I’ve been in psychotherapy since I was three, and I’ve been on medication from the age of 12. Being that young to receive treatment wasn’t exactly something I was raised to be proud of, but today I stand tall and proud to be able to speak out about my condition and let the world know that it exists and it’s okay, you’re not a diseased incurable animal. My first experience of panic attacks occurred at the happiest place on earth—Disneyworld. It’s safe to say that’s the last time I’ll ever go there on vacation.

It bugs me when others say they understand what it’s like to have anxiety because they too get nervous before a big exam, or they have stage fright. That’s not what defines an anxiety disorder. There are both psychological and physiological symptoms, such as fatigue, sweaty palms, rapid heartbeat, and a wave of negative thoughts. Sometimes, there’s a trigger to the attack. Many other times, it just happens. There’s no storm warning, it can just occur out of nowhere.

Dating is another story. It’s quite the challenge. I sometimes get anxious when eating in restaurants because of the loud noises and smells of food. I can’t really explain why this makes me anxious, but it does, so taking me out to eat somewhere for the first date is a definite wrong move. Not only am I anxious that I’ll mess things up, but I’ll also be waiting for my regular panic attacks between the first and second courses. I can also go into these periods where I just want to be alone, as opposed to my usual bubbly social self, and that can be hard to respect and understand after seeing how good I am with others in public places. It’s unexplainable for a lot of my actions, but this is how I am. When I have a panic attack, it may seem like the end of the world for you, but it’ll pass in 20 minutes or so. Until then, it’s like trying to comfort the flames of hell.

Here’s what to do if someone you love is having a panic attack: ask them what they need, and get it for them. If they ask you to drive 45 minutes to get them a special drink to calm them down, do it (but bring them with you, never leave us alone when we’re at our worse). Always be ready with a glass of water, because we lose a lot of oxygen when we’re hyperventilating, and water always seems to soothe our jittering minds. Don’t argue with us, just nod your head and agree, even if it’s the silliest thing that comes out of our mouth. If we want to talk about how it bugs us when the zippers on our backpack don’t meet in the middle, be completely on board. And the number one rule when we’re freaking out: don’t talk about it. The faster it’s out of our mind, the faster we’ll become “normal” again. Just be there for us, talk about a funny pet story you read earlier that day from Reddit, or about how you think it’s ridiculous that we have to pay an exuberant amount of money to go to college just to get a piece of paper saying “You did it!” in the end. Just be patient, work with us, and we’ll work right back with you too.