Being paranoid is something I have always struggled with, but I have never talked to a doctor about it. Some people may call it anxiety, but my definition of what is going on in my mind is paranoia. I don’t really like talking about it much, and when I do, I blow it off like it’s no big deal. But it is a big deal to me. I just don’t like talking about it because sometimes people can’t understand why I have such irrational fears, and the truth is: I can’t explain it.
My paranoia began when I was in junior high. I would not sleep in my bed because my window in my bedroom is so large. Every night, my mind would tell me that there was someone standing outside my window waiting to kill me. A crazy thought, right? My parents thought so too. And despite the conversations of how nobody would be trying to kill me, I still opted to sleep on the floor where I couldn’t see my window. My parents asked my pediatrician about it and he offered solutions, but they didn’t ease my mind and I haven’t mentioned it since. The fear eventually faded, but my mind hasn’t stopped giving me things to be afraid of.
I cannot be home alone at night without being terrified. It doesn’t matter whether I’m in my family home or in my dorm room, I’m scared out of my mind. Every single door can be locked, but my mind will still convince me that someone is in my room. I’ll hear the tiniest sound and I have to find the source of it or I will spend the rest of the night in fear of that object. It’s not that I don’t feel safe, because I know that I am, but these thoughts will still be running through my mind.
My paranoia not only affects situations that I’m in, but it also affects my relationships. I can spend years being friends with someone, and still think that they secretly don’t like me. Someone can assure me that they enjoy being around me, and I will still convince myself that I annoy them. This makes relationships extremely difficult for me. My friendships have survived solely on my friends showing their dedication to me and not leaving my side for any reasons; however, a romantic relationship is very different to me. I will convince myself that someone is only interested in me for the physical relationship, even though this person has made it very clear that they are not. Some may also see this as insecure, but it’s simply just my mind telling me that this person is lying to me when they’re not. This is why it takes me so long to trust someone.
There are many people who know about my paranoia, but I don’t think anyone fully understands it. Sometimes I get reactions of ‘Really? That’s so stupid,’ or, ‘Why would you even think about something like that?’ And it very well may be stupid to you, but it deeply affects me. I try not to think of things, but I can’t completely shut off my mind. Sometimes people make side comments of my paranoia and it truly pisses me off. I can’t help the way my mind works, and if that makes me ‘stupid,’ then so be it. Maybe I should talk to a doctor about it, but it’s so difficult to explain a fear that you know is irrational. Not to mention the fear that your doctor will think you’re stupid too.
Being afraid of everything is not a fun way to live, and it is something I struggle to overcome every day of my life. Some days are way better than others, but my bad days are some of the worst days I’ve ever had. Panic attacks are not my idea of a good time, but that’s what happens when you’re scared out of your mind. I find comfort and relief through other people, so when I’m scared I will typically be calling a friend to distract me from whatever I am afraid of in that moment. Sometimes I try to power through and tell myself to get over it, but I hate it when others tell me that. Paranoia isn’t something that you can just ‘get over’ within a few seconds. I’ve been struggling with mine for years, and although there has been improvement, I am still paranoid about many things.
Everybody struggles with something different, and it is not another person’s place to judge them on that. Yes, it may be ‘stupid’ and they ‘should just get over it,’ but that’s easier said than done. Instead, why don’t you try walking in my shoes for a night. Yeah, being alone at night might not be a big deal to you, but try being in my mind. No one can truly understand what I’m going through until they’ve experienced it themself. So I just encourage everyone to be supportive of someone who is struggling with something. Patience is important.