Discouragement. That's the number one word I can think of right now, if I had to choose only one. If I could get more descriptive of what it feels like to have a learning disability, I would also add lost, confused, and feeling like everyone else is seemingly always ahead of you. You're just trying to keep up and you feel like you're always a little bit behind no matter what. And when you finally understand something, your achievement feels weighed down by the fact that "you should have known that already". Watching everyone else move on to the next step while you've finally gotten a better understanding of the last one, makes you feel - slow, stupid, pathetic. You grasp onto that moment of being proud of yourself before it slips away and you're off feeling like you're in a hazy labyrinth all over again. I don't know - this is what a learning disability feels like to me. That's because I have one, and it's a huge struggle in the department that is my education.
When I was in Elementary school, and I mean grades Kindergarten to fifth grade, I didn't have any issues in the classroom - or at least, I don't recall any. You're thinking "Well of course not. Grade school is easy". But not when you're seven years old. At that age, everything feels new and intimidating in the school world, and you're just eager to do a good job. I was always interested the most in art class, writing workshops, and music class. Of course, I really can't remember if I was bad at math back then. It wasn't until middle school that it began to seemingly destroy my life, making every day in the classroom a gruesome obstacle.
I remember the time I failed my first test. I was twelve years old and in a sixth grade math class for the kids who struggled with numbers and comprehension. Even in that kind of class that was somewhat condensed made me feel like an idiot for failing. I started to not care (I mean, mix that in with being a teenager) and through the rest of middle school into high school, my grades slipped - specifically in the math area. Even when there were issues that could have been loud and clear - how my mom and I would painfully get through math homework sessions that lasted three hours and me in tears at the kitchen table, failing all of my math tests, slacking off, not turning in homework, major anxiety, discouraged behavior and simply just not learning at the same rate as the other kids in the class, my math learning disability went unrecognized. It wasn't until my junior year of high school that I was tested for a learning disability. I remember sitting at that long table in the guidance office with my mother, my math teachers, and my English teachers. It was a feeling of do or die. I felt like my world was ending all because of these immense issues I had been having with math since the beginning of middle school. That was the day I went home with an Individualized Education Program, a document for me to carry around stating that I had been tested for a math learning disability. Therefore, I would accommodations that would help me improve. But honestly - since that day, I've felt like the word "idiot" has been stamped across my forehead. Even through my successes, I still feel insecure about my abilities (or lack thereof) in school. The fact that I still don't understand math destroys me. Numbers confuse me. I can't comprehend them. I still have terrible test taking anxiety and sometimes I'm visited by the painful thought that one day I will fail out of college. I just felt like I couldn't win. I felt different and compared myself to my peers in the classroom, constantly feeling inadequate or intimidated. I didn't believe in myself. There have been tiny sparks of accomplishments, but nonetheless, I will always carry this disability with me.
Nobody will know what it's like to fail a four credit math class and then end up on academic probation because of it. Not unless you experience it yourself. I get tutors now, with help from project assist on my campus, I am now well known in the Center for Students with Disabilities here as well, and I continue to do my best. However, I'll always feel behind - and that's just how it is. I'll always feel less than, like I don't have anything intelligent to offer. I'll care how the world sees me, and I'll always be anxious. But I guess I can find ways to remind myself that having a learning disability is not the end of the world. I hope I can find that day soon.
