Summer is approaching. The entire Northern hemisphere is buzzing in anticipation: trees are blooming, birds are singing, and the temperature is steadily climbing. The world is coming back to life, including the happiest places in the entire world: ice cream shops.
This article is an ode to my hometown ice cream shop, which opens this Monday the 18th. Be patient my love: I will be reunited with you soon. And oh, will it be joyous.
Anyway, here’s a scientifically proven chart that shows your personality based on your favorite flavor of ice cream. 100 percent accurate, Bill Nye approved.
Vanilla: Classic and a little bit boring. If you go to an ice cream shop, look up at the variety of different concoctions, and think “Hmmm… I think I just want plain old vanilla today,” you are a weak peasant. Vanilla ice cream is meant for mixing other, more delicious things into: root beer, Oreos, chocolate chips, M&M's, or literally anything else to make it not so mundane. Live a little.
Double Chocolate: Intense and superior. You’re too good for simply chocolate. You are entitled to as much chocolate as they can compact into one scoop of ice cream. Regular chocolate isn’t good enough for you: you deserve the hard stuff.
Peanut Butter: Smart. Peanut butter is delicious, but if you eat too much peanut butter straight from the jar it mucks up your mouth and gets into every nook and cranny between your teeth. Eating peanut butter-flavored ice cream gives you the deliciousness without the stickiness. Plus, if you pair peanut butter ice cream with chocolate ice cream, you’re pretty much licking a giant Reese’s, a very wise decision indeed.
Blue Moon: Spacey and naive: you don’t quite know what blue moon tastes like, but you order it anyway because it’s blue, so it has to be good, right? Just like the blue Dum-Dum suckers and Jolly Ranchers are always the best. Plus the name is super cool - are you actually eating bits of the moon? Is this what NASA’s funding is going towards? Just make sure to only eat it as much as the name suggests, otherwise you’ll find it hard to fit into your clothes.
Cookie’s 'n' Cream: Lazy. Sure, you could just get vanilla ice cream and Oreos and make your own, but that’s too much work. Although you might be resourceful, because it’s probably cheaper to just buy cookie’s n cream rather than make your own.This one is still up for debate.
Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough: Vulnerable. Cookie dough is the perfect comfort food, so what’s more comforting than eating cookie dough mixed with a pint of ice cream after a break up? Or anytime, for that manner?
Mocha Cookie Crumble: Exhausted beyond belief. Not only are you so tired that you thought that you were at a Starbucks and tried to order coffee, in your befuddled state you ate the whole cone thinking that it would wake you up. We feel you: life is exhausting. Good thing ice cream makes everything better.
Black Raspberry Chocolate Chip: Indecisive. You couldn’t decide if you were feeling fruity or chocolatey, so you went with a mixture of both. While I admire your resourcefulness in this situation, you can’t compromise everything in life. Learn how to be an adult and make decisions.
Cotton Candy: Bored.Obviously, you are so rutted in the routine of your life that you ordered cotton candy-flavored ice cream to try to convince yourself that you were at a carnival. I would take up a new hobby, like origami. Anything to help you break the depressing cycle your life has become.
Maple Bacon: Adventurous and reckless: Not only is your ice cream maple-syrup flavored, an excellent condiment meant only for breakfast food, but you have tiny slivers of meat mixed into your ice cream! While I applaud your bravery at trying this trendy treat, I also am secretly judging you. Either that, or you might be Canadian. I would talk to your parents about that.
Strawberry: Lost. I’m sorry, but if you want a frozen fruit dessert that much, get sherbet.
Mint Chocolate Chip: Wise. This is the best flavor. Keep up the good work.
So go out and treat yo self. Take life by the cone and enjoy your favorite flavor today!
