In recent years, depression has been getting more attention placed on it, especially with the death of Robin Williams. Medical discoveries about depression have popped up on the news - they've shown that depression can be an inheritable mutation in genes and doctors are now able to do a blood test to see if someone does have depression or not. But I don’t think anyone truly knows what depression feels like because everyone with depression suffers differently. Yes, I know that’s almost a cliché to say about it but it is true. Sometimes it's the lack of self-confidence and constant self-hate, but for others, it is the nagging voice in the back of your head that tells you that you aren’t worth the air you breathe. What I hope to accomplish in this article to give you a connection or better understanding of what people with depression go through.
1. First day of anything
Signing up to do anything takes guts for anyone but to actually think that you might be worth something to that group or activity is one of the hardest parts of depression because that is you opening up to the world and to the depression. It is the chip in the tooth that allows the cavity to fester. Once you open up that vulnerable spot where you think you are enough to do something, that little voice is cheering in the back of your mind. "Yay! I get to have some fun and tear you down again because you know you can't actually do this. You're just kidding yourself." When you do show up, you stay in the corner hoping no one notices you, but also hoping that no one talks to you. You don't want to say the wrong thing and be hated. On the flipside, though, at least if you are hated you won't be invisible. It is a constant state of contradictions and confusion.
2. Class
You know you are smart and you want to show that you are. If other people realize you’re smart then maybe you will actually know it. Even though you know you are something or can do something you constantly second guess yourself. Eventually, your second guessing gets to the point where what you know you become the question of reality. You start to believe you aren’t smart and second guessing that you are actually smart. At that point, you need your friends to be there and tell you what the truth is. The power that comes from other people knowing that you can actually do something is comparable to the best feeling in the world. I know when I got a phone call from the VP of Phi Mu that she thought I would be perfect for a spot in the house, I was overjoyed. I don’t think she realizes she made my week just because she thought I was worth something.
3. Grades
Have you ever been so hard on yourself because you “failed” and all you wanted to do was die? No? Well, that is what it feels like when you try your very best and still do not perform to what people expect or think you can do. Even though you can push yourself to your breaking point, it is never enough. Friends will ask what’s wrong when you get a test grade back and you’ll be devastated because you didn’t do as well as you should have. But to your friends you did way better than anything. Nothing is ever enough though. Those 15 points on the exam that keep you from making an A are the 15 points that say you aren’t good enough. Doesn’t matter that it’s trivial and it doesn’t mean that you aren’t strong.
4. Strength
You know someone with depression. It’s pretty much a guarantee whether you know it or not. They are some of the strongest people you will ever meet. Whatever you have been through in life they may not have been through something as similar but they had the mental self-hate that crumbles a person from the inside. They will be there for their friends till the end or until you wrong them. No matter what is going on in their life, no matter how dark of a place they are in, they will always be there 100% for their friends. And their friends will never know the true level of what depression feels like for them.
5. Relationships
Whether it is friendships, family, or a significant other, these connections can make and break a person. They shape you into who you are and when they go sour, it can turn you into someone who doesn’t trust anyone. Usually, one fakes being happy just so they have someone to call a friend. In college, people are constantly in and out of your life. They might be graduating or they turn out not to be the person you thought they were. Living so close to these people 24/7, you get to know them really quick. However, the real challenge is intimate relationships. In my opinion, the worst part of breaking up is that the person who was there for you, your cheerleader, is now gone. Every relationship is different so the level of this varies. But when someone you absolutely loved with all your heart decides that they can’t handle you or their feelings just change, just like how it happens in any normal relationship, it sends you spinning. Where the depression comes in, though, is the reaction that it causes. Some people threaten suicide after break ups. Others go and sleep with anyone who will take them and yet others just stay cooped up in their safe spot. What one sees on the outside would be considered normal for break-ups, but the depression is on the inside. It’s the one point that I can’t describe completely. Just imagine the hand reaching out from the darkness inside you and pulling you back into the pit while your fight to stay in the light becomes futile.
6. The mask
Every day is a struggle to be who you actually are. You know from your past that being who you just bring you pain so you put on this façade of being someone you aren’t. But while trying to be the person who you think everyone will like, you lose who you truly are. That is when depression starts to truly win. Once you put up that outer shell, you lose touch with the real world and what it would be like if you showed the world the truth.
7. The beauty
The person who comes out of depression is beautiful. Think about the person who you know who has fought depression. How would you describe them? Words like beautiful, strong, brave, inspiring, and loving usually come to mind to me. However, sometimes they are also lackluster or fatigued. They say that the strongest people are those who have suffered and struggled. With the side effects of depression or the obstacles in life which can lead to depression being some of the hardest struggles in the world. The ability to fight it is even more so. That sounds like I’m being ignorant. But truly think of it. Any illness one might have can cause depression. Any life event can lead to depression. Suicide can be the result of it. The people who live through this know the pain and can feel empathy for others. They also know what it means to be a good true friend. They might not show it now, but they have the potential to do anything they set their mind to once they start the long struggle against depression. The person who comes out on the other side of the struggle is someone who is worthy of living a truly loved life.
Having people be there for you is amazing. Having people who see you through the mask is magical. That is the best thing to me when struggling with this disease. If you have depression and haven't talked to anyone about it, please go talk to someone. It isn't something to hide from. Find your true friends and raise your arms against it.
