Anxiety is having a paralyzing, mind numbing, all encompassing fear when you see someone in a hallway that you want to greet, but you’re not sure if you’re close enough yet. Being so overcome with nerves and stress about something so minor and unnecessary that your breathing shakes and your hand shakes and your confidence shakes.
Anxiety is laying on your back on the floor staring at the whirring fan for hours hoping that the air it’s moving will somehow find its way into your lungs, because breathing feels impossible and the oxygen that surrounds you seems unreachable. Anxiety is screaming into your carpet at 3 in the morning on a Wednesday, as if you could possibly find air there instead. Anxiety is sleepless, panic stricken nights that you can’t find the cause of. And then another one two nights later. And then repeat twice the week after that. And after that. And after that until suddenly panic attacks are a bi-weekly occurrence that you’ve been forced to fit into your schedule.
Anxiety is making up excuses to cancel plans/leave plans/avoid plans just because social interaction is exhausting and sometimes even being with the people you love more than anything in the world drains the life out of you in a way you can’t explain. “I have homework”/”I fell asleep”/”I have plans with my family”.
Anxiety is feeling guilty that you can’t always explain or communicate or keep up because it wraps around your brain, blocking out the light and trapping the words. Even when you finally get your lungs to be able to breathe, the oxygen doesn’t feel like it’s getting to your brain. Anxiety is feeling guilty that you feel anxious, because so many other people have more going on than you do. Feeling guilty for feeling things you can't control.
Anxiety isn’t being stressed during midterms. Anxiety isn’t what happens when you lose your phone for 15 minutes. Anxiety isn’t fun or cute or an interesting character trait. Anxiety is an awful burden on your soul that makes you wonder why you are like this or why you need to take pills to be able to function or why other people can cope with daily life and you can’t. Anxiety is different than a short spurt of “being anxious”. Anxiety is a needy, controlling boyfriend and a full time job you don't want and scary. And scary.
