I am not a parent and I do not claim to know all there is to know about parenting. I do, however, know what it feels like to be a daughter. I have been on the receiving end of expectations rather than love and I struggle with self-acceptance and depression as a result.

A parent should serve as a safe haven - someone you trust to help you through the worst possible situations. A parent should not be a figure of fear in a child's life. A parent should not create anxiety and paranoia in a child's life. Despite the subject of this article, I feel I must elaborate on my personal situation - I do not hate my mother and I do not resent her for simply being unable to connect with me on an emotional level. I've never been particularly close with her and I believe that is because of my own hesitation to pursue a stronger relationship. Still, my mother has been guilty of living vicariously through me and I do not believe this is something that any parent should do. It is important to allow your child to grow as an individual and to make their own choices and mistakes. It is also important to be there when said child needs emotional support after making said mistake(s).

This aspect of parenting, I believe, is the hardest to enact. It is difficult to tell when someone really needs emotional support and when they do not. In my experience, my mother has never offered me this type of relationship and this has caused me to build a wall around myself. I grew up thinking it was not okay to show that I was upset and when my mother was unable to offer me comfort, I would always turn to my father. Sadly, he passed away when I was in 8th grade and after that I did not have any adult figure to really confide in. Had my mother been able to fulfill that role, I do not think I would have had to experience what I am about to explain now.

Shortly before my father's death, I started working at a local ice cream shop near my house - a franchise. I eventually started to become close with one of the two owners as he always listened to my problems and provided me with an outlet in which I could vent all of my frustrations. I looked up to him as I would a father and he, at first, did not give me any reason to believe otherwise. However, it soon became apparent that he wanted more from the relationship. One day, a few weeks before Christmas, he texted me and asked me to come in to watch the store while he ran out to do a few errands. I agreed and since my mom was not home, I ended up walking there. As soon as I got there, I could feel something was different. I walked to the back of the store where I saw the male owner sitting at the table watching T.V. and I put my coat on the freezer next to the table and sat down. Several minutes passed before he got up and started walking to the front. I assumed he was leaving, so I started pulling cakes from the freezer to decorate while I waited for him to come back.

I was wrong. He was not leaving. Instead, he pulled the front door shut, locked it, and walked back to where I was. He then proceeded to push me against the freezer and rape me. I was 14. I was terrified and in shock and everything I had been told previously about sexual assault had left my mind completely. I thought about nothing. I felt nothing. And afterward, I was numb. I walked back home and I resumed my normal activities. My mom came home from work and she asked me how my day was and I told her it was fine. Then, I walked into the bathroom and started sobbing uncontrollably on the floor. I made sure to run the bathwater first so that she would not hear me. To this day, I wish I could have told her what happened the day it happened so that there might have been justice for my assailant. But she did not find out until 11th grade when one of my friends told a teacher in the school after being unable to keep it to himself. And in the immediate moments following, she was finally the mother I needed her to be. She was caring and considerate and she held me and asked me repeatedly why I did not confide in her. This facade did not last long and a week or so later she began to resent me for what happened. She asked me how I could have let something like this happen to myself and essentially blamed me for everything. She was not the mother I needed anymore.

Love your children. Let them know that you are their safe place. Let them know that you will be there for them no matter what happens. Tell them how much they mean to you and do not hold their mistakes against them. Do not push them away and make them believe that you are unavailable for them to lean on... because they are not fine and they do need your help.