Monday
7:15 a.m.
My alarm goes off for an hour until I am finally awake enough to turn it off. I've only gotten four hours of sleep and if my mind hadn’t been running wild, I would have gotten more. But no time to think about that now, I have to be at class at 8:30 a.m. and can't be late again. I get up and look in the mirror and I instantly regret it. Maybe one day I’ll be able to actually wear a bikini to the pool. I remember when I could do that, but now it's harder to hide the scars. I shake my head, pick out my most comfortable outfit, and run out the door.
Tuesday
9:50 a.m.
I walk to my second class of the day. It’s beautiful outside and I’m already feeling better than yesterday. I feel my phone vibrate and see a text from my boyfriend, "Have a wonderful day, honey." I gleam as I walk. I'm so lucky to have someone like that. Although it feels like he understands me better than anyone, I am always scared I will run him off. I know I shouldn't think like that but sometimes I can't help it, even though I know I am enough for him and he is enough for me- time obviously tells that. I shove the idea to the back of my mind and climb the stairs to my class, walking in just in time to get my seat. As the room fills I see a girl I know from one of my other classes sit across the room with her friends. I wave and a few moments later I hear them all laughing. Were they laughing at me? Did I do something dumb? I hope she still likes me.
Wednesday
6:30 p.m.
Date night. It’s going wonderfully and I’m elated. I wish I could always feel like this, but I know this feeling won’t last forever.
Thursday
8:00 a.m.
I turn off my alarm for what feels like the thousandth time. I roll over in bed and bring the covers over my head. I’m not moving out of this bed today.
Friday
7:15 a.m.
I just want to sleep today but I get ready and walk into the bathroom. I open the cabinet and there sits the medicine the psychiatrist wants to try this time, making this the fifth medication in eight years. The side effects of this one are fever, blistering, nausea, sores, and most importantly skin rash. The doctor told me that although it was an anticonvulsant medication, it might help…but it also might give me a nasty rash so I had to increase my dosage by each week. But who knows really, they all think they can fix me.
Saturday
1:00 p.m.
Gameday. I’m surrounded by my best friends all day, so why do I feel so alone? I should be thankful I have such a great group of friends, but I’m too scared to tell any of them about it. They don’t want to hear about it anyways, though, they have enough to worry about. I don’t want them to have to think about me on top of that. I laugh as my friends tell jokes and stories of their week but inside I’m not laughing and smiling. It looks as though my fake laugh is working. Nobody has asked about how I feel and even if they did, I would probably lie anyway. While they continue to talk, my mind races as I mentally prepare for the crowds ahead. There are going to be so many people and such tight spaces. I start to breathe heavy and tears begin to well up in my eyes. I hope I don't freak out again... I don't want people asking questions.
Sunday
8:05 a.m.
I walk in as church starts and I sit down in my regular pew. My boyfriend holds my hand as we pray and my favorite hymn is in the bulletin. I smile and sing loud as the words flow from my mouth. I pray the lyrics and that one day I can accept myself and live in confidence with who I am. It will be a lot of work, but I know I can do it. I have to.
If you think you or someone you know has a mental illness, please seek a medical professional. If you are or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide or are self-harming please seek help immediately. If you or someone you know is attempting suicide, please call 911 immediately. Help is available.
Disclaimer: Although all of these events might not happen in the same week, when you have multiple mental illnesses like me, they definitely can. This is just my perspective and in no way reflects the entire mentally ill population. This also does not reflect my mindset every single week- thankfully, some are always better than others.
