The game is tied, and hoards of people across the nation are on the edge of their seats. Seconds slink by slowly, as if time itself is too enraptured by anticipation to go full speed. And then it happens! Groans and cheers can be heard from everywhere as the sporting even of the century comes to a bombastic conclusion.
For 3/4 of the country, this will be a topic of discussion for the next few months. Meanwhile, the other quarter will still be sitting there, bemused and puzzled, still unsure of who actually won, what a "changeover" is, and if it's actually worth it to find out. So what do you do to endure the coming sports talk?
1. Try to participate in the conversation.
Hey, sports aren't that complicated, right? And besides, you've been around enough sports conversations to know a thing or two. You know that the pigskin is the football, and last week you totally locked down what off-sides means. Wait, what does off-sides mean? Too late now, you've already said it out loud. They're looking at you. They know. Run. Run now.
2. Try a different approach to the conversation.
You know what everyone likes? Jokes! So, next time you see a huddle of men, crouched over their in depth analysis of last night's match/game/kerfuffle, go join in and release your internal comedian! How 'bout them sprots these days, am I right ladies? The last time I saw such an exciting pigskin, I was watching "Babe"! Ha ha heh ho.... No one is laughing. They look angry. Get out now, while you still can.
3. Learn about the sports.
Are you telling me, right now, with your mouth, to my earholes, that there is no quaffle in tennis? This is impossible. Screw it, I'm done.
4. Stop sports forever.
It actually seems pretty simple. All you need to do is shut down all television and internet access in your area until the sports season is over. Sports are only on tv for a few months anyways, right? Who's going to even notice. All you have to do is chew through some cables and wires and stuff like that. Squirrels do it all the time, and if they can do it, I'm pretty sure that you'll be just fine. There are absolutely no drawbacks to this plan. Well, besides the fact that no one in your area will have immediate access to the wider world. No one will be able to see the news, or communicate with their distant friends or family. Plus, you know, it's fairly likely that there will be an awful lot of wires to chew, and they might be pretty thick. You're not so young anymore, and since you lost all of your baby teeth, your playing for keeps now. And man, what are you going to do in your spare time without tv? And without internet, you won't have Netflix.... Okay, it's official, sports simply cannot be stopped.
5. Give up.
You know, this might not actually be a bad thing. You don't have to make yourself uncomfortable just because most of the people around you will be discussing a topic that you have no interest in. In fact, it makes the most sense that you should just completely remove yourself from the conversation. The modern sports industry is bloated with over-funded self-importance, to the point where trying to watch most games feels like an optical obstacle course, where the goal is to find the actual sport being played in between the hundreds of flashing technicolor advertisements. Your friends may be connected to teams by an emotional tether that was forged and solidified throughout their childhood. Their loyalty is so deep that they actually feel like they are a part of the game; like their team's wins are their wins, and their team's losses are their losses. The fact is that you don't have this connection to sports, and maybe you never will. This doesn't make you inferior or unimportant, it just makes you different. So don't worry about not caring about sports, you're not missing much. Just go find your own events that are worth talking about.
