At the beginning of freshman year, I was worried. I was attending a school with what seemed like a billion students and I knew a grand total of three people. Growing up in a small community, I was used to knowing everyone and everything about everything. This was the first instance in my life where I couldn’t rely on my previous knowledge—the memories I had of a person while they were growing up or the opinions I had formed on their family and friends—to help me determine a person’s overall character.

Although, in the past, I’ve been pretty good at reading people, there was still a small part of me that couldn’t help but worry that what I knew about my new friends was a lie. However, quite quickly, my worries were put to rest by a discovery. I know it’s wrong to judge a book by it’s cover, but over the course of five months, I’ve discovered that you can learn a lot about a person by their general appearance—what they are wearing and their accessories. However, it’s not the clothes they wear—instead it’s where their clothes are from; it’s not the bag in their hands—instead it’s the contents inside. More specifically, I’ve determined that you can tell a lot about a person by the water they carry. Yup, that’s right. There’s a lot to learn from the brand of a person’s water—from a plastic bottle you can gain a whole new perspective.

If a person drinks Fiji, you shouldn’t ask them out on a second date. Honestly, Fiji Water is a sign that a person is fake. At first, Fiji Water appears to be cool and refreshing. It’s style— the innovative rectangular packaging and trendy tropical design—fool you into thinking that you’re drinking is actually from the natural island of Fiji. It tricks you into thinking that the water in Fiji bottles is fresh, crisp and pure, but with each sip you start to realize that Fiji water is about as fresh as the water from your kitchen sink. Fiji water is no better than your tap. It’s a poser and the people who drink it are posers too—they try so hard to be cool but deep down they’re hiding behind a facade that isn't really them, like Fiji hides behind their tropical fish and rectangular bottles.

However, even bigger try-hards than the people who drink Fiji are the Evian drinkers. Evian water is pretty rare—it’s not sold everywhere, so when you see it in stores, you think that it’s kind of a big deal—don’t be fooled. Its exclusivity tricks you into thinking that Evian has value. It doesn’t. In fact, in this particular case, the name says it all. For those observant enough to notice, “Evian" spelled backward is naive. Need I say more?

While you should steer clear of Evian and Fiji drinkers, a guy with a Deer Park bottle is a good sign. In my mind, Deer Park is the boy next door. It’s refreshing, fairly priced and sold almost everywhere. It’s sweet, down-to-earth and always available to help you when you’re thirsty. In my life experience, I’ve never heard anyone mutter a single bad word about Deer Park. It is a crowd pleaser. You can drink it everywhere without judgment. In fact, usually, I’m genuinely impressed to see that someone has a Deer Park water bottle on them—it’s a sign of a well-stocked household. Never change, Deer Park. I love you.

On the other hand, I have mixed feelings about Dasani. On campus, nine times out of ten, I’m seen with this water because it’s free. At UCLA, you can get a Dasani with your meal, and I take the dining hall and Dasani up on this generous offer. On Bruin Walk, if you don’t have a Dasani in hand—I have two questions for you: why would you turn down free bottle water and why don’t you want to be hydrated? Seriously. That being said, off campus, my view on Dasani water is a very different story. Dasani water is like the little sibling you don’t want people to know you have.

I’ve never heard of Dasani being someone’s brand of choice. The only time I’ve ever seen people pay for Dasani is at sporting events or at vending machines—where it’s usually the only water offered. You’re forced to drink Dasani because you’re thirsty similar to how you’re forced to babysit your younger brother or sister. In these situations, you’re out of options. You’re drinking Dasani because there is no choice and it’s annoying. Outside of the UCLA campus, people who drink Dasani are people who should be avoided. They will make trouble for you—just like your little sister.

If Dasani is your annoying sibling and Deer Park is your boy next door, then Zephyrillis Water is the creep down the street. To be honest, the name of this water sounds like an STD. It may only seem sketchy to me because I don't know how to pronounce Zephyrillis, but regardless this water freaks me out. I don't know where it’s been or how it even got to be successful enough for me to remember it’s creepy name, but it did. It’s a fact that water is the liquid of life. We have to ingest it every day in order to stay hydrated. It’s also fact that Zephryllis is extremely cheap and probably low-quality. With these facts in mind, it’s safe to assume that any person who’s willing to sacrifice quality for cost is not the person you should turn to for advice—especially when we’re talking about health. Personally, I don't trust Zephyrillis water. Call me judgmental, but I think that any person who does is a little questionable.

While Zephryillis is a mystery to me, I know a Boxed Water drinker like I know the back of my hand. If you’re drinking boxed water, you’re taking an Instagram. Boxed Water is hip and eco-friendly. It’s sold only in select locations and is packaged in cartons created from recyclable materials, making it eco-friendly. It’s service to the environment and exclusivity is very appealing to both socialites and hipsters. In other words, Boxed Water is the new trend. That being said, no one buys Boxed Water just to drink it. It’s way too expensive to drink in just your sweatpants. Any Boxed Water drinker has their hair done, one of their best outfits on, and someone with an iPhone 6 ready to take their picture. These people are on a mission for an Instagram. I have a message for all of you Boxed Water drinkers out there: while haters will judge you, I’m here to tell you that it’s okay. I, myself, can admit to buying a few Boxed Waters myself. I never actually got a 'Gram with them because I got thirsty, drank them and then recycled my cartons forgetting my initial intention for them. Although my Boxed Water photo shoot never actually happened, I will admit that wanted it to happen and I can’t blame the hipsters for wanting to follow their dreams.

However, living the life of a hipster is too much for me. I’ve determined, through careful analysis that the best friend to have is the friend who drinks Smart Water. Smart Water is sold every where, it’s easy to travel with, it’s trendy, has quality and not ridiculously priced. Likewise, your best friend should be someone who is available, there for you to help navigate through your day, someone stylish, a person you can trust and should ask of you with in reason. Long story short, a person who drinks smart water is a person who you should befriend. They, like a case of Smart Water, are an investment for your well-being.

Finally, there is the last kind of person: the person with a reusable water bottle. To them, I would like to say one thing, congratulations. I can’t really judge you because you’ve managed to keep your reusable water bottle and remember to use it which is more than I can say for myself. People with reusable water bottles are on top of it. These are the people you should look up to. Reusable water bottles, just like the people who use them, are eco-friendly, practical and has quality. I envy and admire you.

Nonetheless, it should go without saying that these are generalizations. There are rare, rare, I repeat, rare occasions where a person who drinks Fiji isn't actually a poser, a person who drinks Evian is only drinking it because it’s available, that a person who drinks Zephryllis is only drinking it because their family owns the company and they have no other choice but to drink from the water bottle of shame. It’s not fair to assume that everyone is their water bottle—everyone has their reasons just like everyone has their story. That being said, if someone offers you Smart Water, it’s wise to sit, back, hydrate and listen to their tale.