Anxiety is the kind of thing that cripples you; it causes you to be in a constant battle to just keep pushing forward. I want to give y'all an insight into what it means to have anxiety and how it feels to have so much more going on behind your smiling front.

I am constantly at war with myself, and it is exhausting. Having yourself as your own enemy is one of the most powerful things. It makes simple tasks into difficult battles. You become so overwhelmed that you physically, mentally, and emotionally cannot handle things. Sometimes you even freak out and are stressed to no end about absolutely nothing, and sometimes it's everything. I get to the point where I am numb towards the world. I am numb towards everything I do. I just want to disappear for a while and try to feel normal again. Freaking out and not being able to take a second to gather your thoughts is a normal thing.

I am constantly worrying, planning, and trying to get ahead of myself. I like to know exactly what I'm going to do and how I'm going to do it. Sometimes it's way too much to even be around people, whether you know them or not. You just need to be able to escape for a bit, and sometimes that helps just a little bit. I cannot even explain to people what is going on in my mind or what they can do to help. Sometimes all I can do is just breathe. People tell you to relax and calm down and question why you are freaking out so much about something that seems to insignificant. Never tell me to calm down; I cannot calm down.

My mind is the ultimate barrier between myself and the things that I wish to accomplish. I can have all of these hopes and dreams that I want to achieve, but the fear of not being good enough is what holds me back. Every little thing that goes wrong holds such a large weight in my mind. I want to be able to take it easy on myself and just let go of things, but I have never been able to do so. I am my own biggest critic; my worst enemy. Any small critique towards you goes miles and miles beyond what it is supposed to. You feel like everything is on your shoulders and that there is honestly no way to get out of it.

I keep things to myself. I hide behind the front that everything is perfect and that I'm not struggling, but in reality, I'm drowning in fear and doubt. Anxiety/panic attacks are the worst because you get to the point where you can't carry on anymore. You can't breathe. You can't control your thoughts, let alone sort them out. I am broken, I am flawed. You can't be saved by anyone and no one can fix you. You have to do that yourself, and 90% of the time, it is easier said than done. I feel powerless and like I can't control the things that are happening.

There is really no good way to describe anxiety. Behind every single thing is a monster, and there is absolutely nowhere that you can hide from it. All that you can do is face it head on. Even when you think you have things under control, thoughts still follow you. They never seem to let you go. You take everything personally. There seems to be no escape. Every single possible solution to any situation, you have come up with. By the end of every day, I am absolutely exhausted from constantly fighting with my mind.

I care way too much about everything. I panic in the face of one small thing going wrong. There is rarely a time in which I feel like I have everything under control. I hide behind the phrases "I'm fine" and "I'll be okay." To remain calm takes every single ounce of my being. Though I struggle so much with things that should be small, I have to take them on with baby steps. I have to work through my thoughts and take it step by step.

Here are just some things that are going through my mind right now. For those of you struggling with the same battle: keep pushing.Your mind is powerful. Though it may not seem like it right now, you are stronger and more prepared for every single battle that you may face. Though things may not go the way that you had planned for them to, it is going to be okay in the end. You've got this. Keep fighting.

Loyally,

Jamie