The thing about anxiety is, I don't escape it and I'm not sure I can either. It is everywhere I am, no matter how far I travel, no matter what my surroundings are. It is with me, always.
1..2..3..4..5 (breathe) 6..7..8..9..10 (breathe)
"I see that car..."
"I smell that food..."
"I taste my coffee..."
"I feel my phone in my hand..."
I hone in my senses to bring me back to some sort of reality that's outside my own head. Breathe in, breathe out and I'm back to myself, well half of myself; usually with a panic attack I'm in a weird state for the rest of the day. So even when my anxiety seems at bay, it can come in like a creep in the night. Its the sweat in my hands as I'm sitting in class, or my heartbeat against my shirt going a mile a minute, or my breathing that rises and my teeth that chatter all while drowning in thoughts within my own head. Thoughts that wouldn't make sense to anyone but me; still they're crippling.
Someone without anxiety or anxious ways will never quite fully understand just the depths of the struggle that comes with it. They will probably look at you cross-eyed from time to time but then pat you on the back and say "everything will be okay", will it though? It's been around for some time now but still doesn't seem at the tip of its peak, like it has more in store for me.
This disease of my mind has ruined opportunities, friendships, and experiences; kept me strapped to my bed praying that my mind would shut off so I could possibly get a couple hours of sleep; throwing up because my body is just too worked up to keep any food down; left me questioning my own sanity; kept me from school; calling my family just to ask if they're okay; you name it, it has somehow been affected by this imprisoning illness. One of the hardest things is trying to explain what is going on inside of your head when you really aren't sure yourself. You want to make sense of everything but its just a little too far outside your reach. Does your mind somehow outgrow this intolerance to reality or is your brain just paranoid for the rest of time? A question that I cannot answer but in my own opinion, this is something you adapt to, not get rid of.
Everyone's struggle and experience is different. Everyone perceives the world different, therefore everyone heals different. Don't allow anyone to tell you how you should feel or how you should cope with this...those who do, have never been where you are, therefore their advice is somewhat useless. Whatever path you walk on, or decision you make, let it be because it is what you wanted and what your life needed. If your actions are healthy, which should go without saying, then no one should ever be allowed the power to make you feel less than for how you cope or the time you take to calm down and bring yourself back to reality. Surround yourself with people who love you and understand you but also remember you are not broken, you are not crazy, and love yourself because your mind is already against you, don't let your spirit be too.
