I am currently deciding...

Do I want to fully commit myself? Or should I move on and give up?

Last week, I finished my first water polo season as a division 1 college athlete, and it was hard, and scary, and hard. For 32+ weeks, my team and I went 21 hours a week- training, swimming, sweating…but together. It was overwhelming to say the least. But, without a doubt, I would have not been able to make it through without the amazing team that was by my side. College water polo, for me at least, was very different than past high school or club teams. When I joined the team, there was a LARGE learning curve. The differences in devotion to the sport, team bond, and energy you put into every single practice- is a lot to get used too. But, by mid November, I kind of got the idea.

For a water polo athlete, in most cases, college water polo is the highest level one can achieve (by the age of 16, you know if you have a chance of going to the Olympics or not). Many of the traveling weekends consisted of sleeping, eating, and playing- not really a lot of fun. I quickly learned that I had to address each travel weekend with complete seriousness and mimic the actions of a professional athlete. The process drained me mentally and physically. Especially, as a freshman, the chaos was overwhelming at times. I would always look at the seniors and think- how in the world have they done this for four years?

However, now I find myself, as a “fish out of the water” and I miss it. I miss complaining about waking up at 5:30 in the morning or going to class with a sweaty and chlorinated hair bun. I miss laughing with the girls at team dinners and playing shits and gigs in the team vans.

I miss the experience, but hey, I have three more years to achieve more with my team mates. As an athlete, I want to get more playing time and game experience, but in order to achieve that, I need to get better.

Next season, there are going to be new freshmen, which means new talent, and I am scared. I’m scared I’ll get lost in the drift and be forgotten about. I’m scared I won’t make the swim sets, or simply be good enough to be a starting player. I’m scared I will never be good enough.

So what do I do? Do I give up?

But the team. And the feeling of winning. And the want to WANT more.

It’s everything.

So, I am going to try. This summer I am going to swim for days, run for miles, and lift as if my life is dependent on it. And will I fail? Maybe. But I won’t give up. Because, at the end of the day, I want more.