I've been sitting at my computer for almost half an hour rewriting the beginning of this article. This entire time, I have been trying to figure out how to admit what some people may or may not know about me already. So I'm just going to say it. I have been so completely unhappy for what feels like the longest time. It may not seem like the most shocking confession in the world, but for me, it's something that has changed who I am. The worst part of it all is that I couldn't tell you why I've felt this way.
After last winter break, I felt like a switch flipped somewhere in my brain. I didn't care about half of the things that I used to. I just wasn't all that happy anymore, which is quite upsetting to be honest. I have always been the type of person to not only fill a room with my (very loud) laugh, but the type of person who was genuinely optimistic and joyful. Anytime something awful happened in my life, I saw things from the brighter side, and I tried to find as much humor in the situation as I could. As much as I tried to keep the image up, it didn't change how I felt.
I could tell that things were especially bad when I was taking a nap every single day, literally. I spent the last semester of my freshman year in a sleepy haze. I didn't spend much time with other people. It may have been obvious to some, and not so obvious to others, that I was socially isolating myself. I've never been the type to be truly nervous around other people. Sure, I was always on the shy side, but I was never nervous. I didn't have to wait for one of my friends to walk into the dining hall before I could. That is the harsh truth of how I act in public now. I don't want to feel like this. I think that is something I don't have to explicitly say. I want to be able to talk to people and I want to be undeniably happy again.
There is a silver lining to all of this. I'm better now than I was almost ten months ago because I made the conscious effort to improve myself. I spent my summer keeping myself occupied between work, family, and friends. Most importantly, I saw when it was time for me to just get on a plane and go. So I left home and went to Lake Tahoe for 2 weeks. I saw San Francisco for the first time since I was 8. I jumped off the back of the boat into the middle of the lake, even though I've been afraid that I'd hit a rock since I was a little girl. I made sure that I was doing things that not only made me happy, but that kept my mind and body active.
I'm still working on myself. I have days now where I feel like I'm back to my old self, and then I have days where I don't want to leave my bed. Still, I've only slept during the day a few times this year, and I've been keeping myself busy with schoolwork and with my writing. Of course, I still feel so incredibly awkward in a social sense, which I very much wish wasn't the case. It's a process, but it's a process that I am working hard on everyday.
I've learned a lot about happiness over the past year. The most important lesson is that you can't truly be happy about your life as a whole until you find happiness with yourself. You shouldn't make pleasing others your primary purpose. It is definitely important, but you will never be truly happy if you put yourself last. I have to remind myself of this almost everyday, and I hope that the day is coming where I put myself first without thinking about it.
